A hard copy, please?

I’m writing from Newton Correctional Facility, where I’ve been locked up for the past three years. The day Cityview arrives in our library is a highlight of my week, except for those Nightlife pictures. They just make me horny. Speaking of horny, after reading about the Nancy Sebring sex scandal that went on last year, I still want to know more. I’d like to see a follow-up. Where is she? What is she doing for work? Anything exciting? Did she high-tail it out of Des Moines?

Also, I don’t have access to your website here at the clink, so finding her full-length emails online is not an option for me. How can a guy get a hard copy?

Me, me, me

I’m disappointed to see that your annual Best Of Des Moines contest doesn’t include DJs. DJ-ing is an important component of the nightlife scene in this city, and there is plenty of totally awesome spin doctors around to make it a worthy competition, especially me, me, me. I know I would win that category every year, because frankly, yes, there are a lot of DJs in Des Moines, but one is no different than the other except for me, me, me — DJ Douche Canoe. Recognize.

Put a sock in it

Amidst the ongoing and heated debate over gun control, I ask the blabbering folks on both sides of the argument to consider shutting up, please. One thing is true, though. People kill people, and nothing makes me more homicidal than listening to the timid kittens and angry gorillas go tit-for-tat. For that matter, let’s stick a sock in the mouths of those abortion, religion and political debaters, too. Two people with opposing opinions and who have their minds made up aren’t going to change each other. So do us all a favor and point your focus toward something you can change. Who needs that free speech thing, anyway?

Send your opinions to Cityview, 414 61st Street, Des Moines, Iowa 50312. Fax us at 953-1394, or e-mail us at letters@dmcityview.com. Please limit letters to 200 words or less. Cityview reserves the right to edit for length and clarity. The writer’s address and daytime phone number will not be printed, but must be given for verification.