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Political Mercury

Trump founding fraternities at University of Iowa, Iowa State

4/1/2016

 

Troubled with what he sees as the emasculating effects of the modern university campus — an environment in which terms like “affirmative consent” and “micro-aggressions” increasingly define the gender and racial rules of engagement — Donald Trump is launching his own college fraternity system with the inaugural chapters slated for chartering at Iowa State University and the University of Iowa, sources close to the New York real-estate mogul confirmed this morning.

Land-use negotiations for “prime property” in Ames and Iowa City are ongoing, and bids for the fraternities — which will simply be known as Trump Houses — are likely to be let in early May.

No Greek letters, like Tau or Sigma or Alpha, will be involved in the branding, Trump said in a phone interview.

“The Greeks had, you know, compulsory homosexuality during ancient times, and I’m not so sure about some of them today,” Trump said. “Men getting with other men is just not something we want to see in these terrific houses. It’s OK stuff, I’m sure, for Bernie Sanders’ free colleges, but not for Trump.”

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Two key features of the Trump Fraternity: a strict no-dating-fellow-students policy and a prohibition on alcohol use.

As for the former, Trump said his fraternities will eliminate even the hint of date-rape allegations by banning coeds from the premises. Instead, Trump Houses will employ carefully screened and “terrific” sexual escorts from what Trump says are “just the best” exclusive clubs and “tasteful” web-connected “companion procurement” organizations around the world.

“With Trump, you have beautiful women, just the greatest, right? Everyone knows that,” Trump said. “All Trump men will have the benefit of no-questions-asked encounters with some fabulous women, basically whenever they want. There will be no disgusting, total losers who will be confused about their purposes in a Trump House, no feminist-terrorists looking to file post-coital rape charges to show off to the man-hating cows at the women’s centers on campus.”

Trump fraternities are expected to hire “consent butlers,” on-site, 24/7 lawyers who will make sure all entering women have the proper credentialing — waivers, legal forms — so allegations of any unwanted sexual activity don’t emerge against Trump members.

“Affirmative consent is basically when you walk in the door of the Trump House. The women know what they’re getting, and they’re getting paid well for it, let me tell you,” Trump said. “I like to see attractive women on their knees, and this will be going on all the time at the Trump House. political mercuryAnd you won’t have to worry about some loser campus mall cop coming around serving you papers for being a man, doing what men naturally should do.”

A central factor in the development of a puncture-proof consent zone at the Trump Houses is the ban on alcohol, the removal of an historically confounding factor in sexual disputes. What’s more, Trump’s late older brother had a well-chronicled battle with booze, and the Republican presidential candidate is a near-total abstainer himself.

“This beer-bong business, doing shots, things like that, at fraternities is for total losers, complete low-energy types,” Trump said. “Those Greek frats are for absolute disasters like the Bushes and Little Marco.”

As for the academic rigor of a Trump House, the land tycoon is said to be negotiating “some amazing deals” for grade inflation for his members.

“You’ve heard of the ‘gentleman’s C’ — well, we’re going to bring our pledges and brothers the ‘Trump A+,’ ” said the GOP White House front-runner. “What really matters is the grade on the card, not what’s behind it. Read the books if you want, maybe go to a class, but this is about closing deals. No one leaves a Trump house his senior year without at least a 3.5 GPA. We are willing to pay off professors, who let me tell you, will take the money. They’ll give As to Trump men, and they’ll thank me for it.”

Sources familiar with planning for the Trump Houses say the most challenging issue is race. Trump, sources say, doesn’t want to see too many non-white men walking around in shirts emblazoned with the Trump “T.”

“We think one way to keep out the Asians is to bar admittance to any engineering majors,” said one Trump confidante.

An income requirement — tentatively involving a $1 million family asset floor — should screen most African-Americans and Latinos from the Trump Houses, sources close to Trump say.

“These are minor details,” Trump said. “If some black kid, or maybe even an Asian, gets in my fraternity, we’ll just make him house president, burden him with so many responsibilities and paperwork that he’ll basically be a servant, which is sort of the point of this organization.”

The “Trump Man” philosophy will extend into a fraternity member’s post-graduate years as well. Trump House alumni will be forced to resign should they become stay-at-home dads or post incomes lower than their wives for three consecutive years.

“We don’t want hipster-loser dads in the Trump organization, sensitive types who actually listen when they see women’s lips moving,” Trump said. “If you’re home changing diapers, or pumping milk from your wife’s breasts and feeding your own child, we just want nothing to do with you. And don’t even think about being in the delivery room when your children are born. Those just aren’t things we need to see.”

Trump’s first houses will be in Ames and Iowa City because of Iowa’s crucial status as a first-in-the-nation presidential testing ground, Trump said.

Several Regents officials are said to be highly distressed at the prospect of the Trump Houses. Trump dismissed such concerns.

“I’m the guy who wrote the ‘Art Of The Deal,’ ” Trump said. “Iowa and Iowa State actually will pay to build these houses, and they’re going to love Trump, let me tell you.” CV

 

Douglas Burns is a fourth-generation Iowa newspaperman who resides someplace in Iowa called Carroll.

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