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LCI Church to serve alcohol

4/1/2016

Churches around the country and the metro are consistently looking for ways to make attendance easier, more convenient and more entertaining. Most offer coffee, allow casual dress and provide childcare. But one downtown church is raising eyebrows while pushing this concept to a whole new level.

According to city documents, Lutheran Church of the Irish was approved for a liquor license at its new downtown Court Avenue location on the seventh floor of the Younkers Building.

Church of the Irish Pastor Abaddon Ophidian confirmed that in an effort to lure more newcomers, the church now sells alcohol.

“Look around,” Ophidian reasoned. “PeopleN0474830 are always going to enjoy cocktails. Isn’t it better they do it in God’s house instead of in the streets? Jesus came to preach to sinners. We’re cutting out the middle man and heading right for the source.”

Not everyone is on board with the church’s decision. Challenges are looming about who’s allowed into the church/bar and if proper identification requirements will be adhered to.

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“We’re checking IDs at the door,” assured Ophidian. “Anyone under 21 gets a wristband, ‘the mark of the beast,’ if you will. And absolutely no alcohol will be sold in the childcare center. That space is reserved for virgin daiquiris and Shirley Temples only.”

Ophidian claimed his church now offers a new kind of communion that more closely represents the ceremony’s original biblical intent. It replaces the traditional serving of wine with Jagermeister and triple sec.

“The deer blood contained in the Jager is a more authentic tribute to the sacrifice made by the son of man,” Ophidian said. “And the last Sunday of every month, we lose the blood thing altogether and do communion by banging down Jager-bombs. It’s tequila shooters for vegetarians.”

Ophidian said the traditional unleavened bread symbolizing the broken body of Christ will be replaced by popcorn.

“No butter or salt,” the pastor assured. “This a church, and not a movie theater. It’ll be air popped without coconut oil.”

He then added that the shots of Jagermeister, tequila shooters and bottles of beer are all $3 with a $10 cover charge required at the door.

“We’ll still be passing the hat,” Ophidian said. “People have been tight fisted lately at the offering plate. We think this will grease the skids. The Lord loves a cheerful giver, and there’s nothing like some 100 proof distilled spirits to bring about a little cheer.”

Ophidian also said Tuesday nights are “one-dollar-you-call-it,” with bloody Marys and mimosas each and every Sunday morning and karaoke on Tuesday nights.

“Some churches are putting in cafés; we’re upping the ante,” said Ophidian. “There’s no better way to experience the Holy Spirit than by bellying up at the altar for some Sunday drinking.”

Ophidian appeared to have a buzz going himself. The bleary eyed, red-nosed pastor slurred his speech and staggered around like a drunken sailor. He waved a prayer candle in the air while softly singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall.”

“Let’s face it, for most of us, that second year of seminary was the most bitchin’ time we ever had,” Ophidian recalled. “It’s time to get this party started DEZ MONEYS.

“It’s high time the peeps met three wise men… and their names are Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Jose Cuervo… Boooo-yeah!”

Ophidian assured onlookers that smoking will be allowed in the church cellar, and Wednesdays will continue to be marked off for Jimmy Buffet Night. CV

 

APRIL FOOLS!

 

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