Apple hits the open road

Is there a more terrifying company in the world than Apple? Sure, the company offers bulletproof devices, intuitive software that seems to know what you want before you do. And yes, it is continually two steps ahead of the technology market. The thing is, those same qualities are a nightmare for the business world. iTunes and the iPod flipped the music industry on its ear, the iPhone completely redefined what a phone is, and this coming fall, the iCar will make whatever is currently sitting in your garage look like a horse-drawn carriage.

First things first. Yes, this fall, as in October 2015. Rumors have been creeping out to the general public the last two years including features, patent submissions and car design, but soon enough the cat will officially be out of the bag following Apple’s underground iCar tour. See, gadget and tech rumors may seem like cracks in the machine, but the truth is, Apple’s reputation is slyly maintained through covert marketing tactics.

Engineers leaving iPhone prototypes in bars, the iPad being whispered about months before it ever existed, and now Audi clones with grill-placed Apple logos being seen on country roads across the nation create maximum buzz for Apple’s future products. Yet, with the iCar, Apple is doing something different. Apple has actually invited lower profile tech reporters to its warehouse — iCar walkthroughs — and let this reporter be one of the first to say the iCar will blow your mind.

Quick, make a list of the things that grind your gears about your car. Sure, there’s maintenance and mileage, but Apple’s innovative magic isn’t in fixing the obvious but rather in overcoming the issues we’ve subconsciously glossed over. Let’s start with the basics: your keys. Car keys will cease to exist starting with the iCar, and in their place will be the driver’s iPhone. A beautiful idea that will free up pockets across the planet.

Of course, that’s an obvious one, but beyond unlocking and starting your car, the iPhone will be the iCar’s wireless brain. Say it’s a bitter cold December evening and you’re running out to Jordan Creek Mall for some holiday shopping. The iCar will drop you at the door, search out a parking spot autonomously, and when you’re ready to head home, it only takes a text message to the iCar for it to find the closest exit to your phone to drive over and pick you up.

Think about it, in that scenario the iCar drives and parks itself, waits for notice to turn itself back on, discovers your location via GPS and notifies you where it will pick you up! Can your Taurus do that? As if that’s not enough, when inserted into the dash, your iPhone turns your car into a wireless hotspot with 4G data and phone connectivity. That means you can let your car do the driving while you search the web or watch Netflix in the backseat. Plus, it runs entirely on a special lithium battery, no need for gasoline.

Of course the iCar isn’t perfect just yet. The battery life is only 200 miles or 24 hours (that’s not including calls and data usage). It does not integrate with any device other than the next iteration of the iPhone. Its windshield cracks at the slightest bump. But worst of all, its retail price is more than $50,000, and it can only be repaired at the Apple Store.

The huge upside is the iCar will be entirely manufactured and shipped out of Detroit. That’s right, the city built on the back of automobile manufacturers like Ford, Dodge and Chevy will rocket back to prominence with Apple. APRIL FOOLS

Patrick Boberg is a central Iowa creative media specialist. Follow him on Twitter @PatBoBomb.