Sunday, January 23, 2022

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Tech Talk

Google in your pants


Maybe the most exciting new field of technology is that of wearable tech. Smart glasses, watches, bracelets and rings are but a few of the gadgets you could be wearing in coming years. Still, with all the exciting innovation that has emerged from the prospect of wearable technology, it’s not without its peculiarities. The latest to hit the market — smart undies.

UnderChrome, a name taken from Google’s popular media streaming device ChromeCast, is, at best, high-tech undergarments and, at worst, the most disturbing invasion of privacy to date. Once synced with the wearer’s smartphone, social networks and messaging services, UnderChrome breaks down sweat, flatulence and other excretions into useable data.

Google’s intelligent underpants go well beyond the capabilities of current wellness devices that can track steps, heartbeat and sleep patterns. UnderChrome can discern if the user has broken a set diet, suffers from low blood sugar or has contracted sexually transmitted infections. It also alerts users to upcoming bowel movements hours before the biological sensation communicates with the brain. It can even tell if a female wearing the smart garments is ovulating or menstruating is and if a male suffers from a low-sperm count.

While healthcare professionals are ecstatic about the potential smart underwear holds for a population suffering from an obesity epidemic, privacy rights advocates worry about sensitive personal data being leaked. Google defends that all personal data would be heavily encrypted and nearly impossible to hack. However, due to glitches such as magnetic constriction and genital electrocution, Google says UnderChrome will not be available for purchase for at least two years.

It seems there is no end to the ways technology will encroach upon our lives. If smart underwear is feasible, what’s next? Smart braces? Smart condoms? It’s so outrageous, it’s almost unbelievable… and it probably is. APRIL FOOLS!               


Patrick Boberg is a tech expert from Des Moines who is usually ahead of the curve, bringing readers exclusive insight on what’s coming down the tech pike. Usually.

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