The dark and damp side of polygamy

For the life of me, I will never understand polygamy. Never mind that I watch TV for a living and thus am both intellectually and physically undesirable to a woman not vying for American citizenship and destined to be a bachelor for life. I won’t pretend that is by choice, however, after watching this summer’s new evening drama series “What Are You Thinking, My Ass Is Fat, Don’t Touch Me, Nothing’s Wrong,” (Friday, 9 p.m., Cinemax) it’s a wise one nonetheless — a happy accident, if I may. Without ever having even one wife — or woman, for that matter — of my own, “What Are You Thinking…” has taught me I’m better off without.

Ready the “Days of Our Lives” slap to the cheek, because I’m just going to come right out and say it: Women are a handful — two handfuls, at times. In the case of Mormon David Dormat, a financial consultant in Utah, I wouldn’t trade my beanbag chair and mom’s soft bosom for his life, nor even one night with one of his six wives!

The drama follows David from bed to bed to bed to shower — a long shower — to work at a bank in Provo, Utah, and then back home to bed to bed to bed, as he divides his time and energy among six affection-starved, truly desperate housewives. They’re whiney, needy, clingy and demanding — annoying. It’s sad that poor David manages to go 0 for 6 in his attempt at finding just one good, tolerable wife. Despite his occupation, he struggles with debt, in part because of his wives’ overspending, but even more because of his Viagra prescription bills mounting daily. Where the annoyance leaves off, however, arousing intrigue erects in its place. It is Cinemax, after all, so the show needs no bank setting for this plot.

I recommend watching it on “mute.”

“Wee Man Wars”

Wednesday, 7 p.m. (MTV)

In the acronym, MTV, the “M” stands for “music” — at least, it used to — but the last 20 years suggests the station needs a new name, RTV — “R” for “reality.” It started with the epic college-age series, “The Real World” (the irony never ends) in 1992. It’s latest version of that, “Jersey Shore,” proved to coax a similar following. But if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all… until now.

Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, made famous for his stupid participation in real stunts on the aptly titled “Jack Ass” series, is hiked up and swinging his stubby legs from a director’s chair in MTV’s upcoming “Wee Man Wars,” the station’s latest installment of so-called “reality television.” It’s as entertaining, awkward and hilarious as it is offensive, uncomfortable and embarrassing for all, including those who watch it, as little people are pitted against children in a “Midgets vs. Kids everyday obstacle coarse challenge.”

From driving an truck to mounting a horse, the pilot is rifled with folly are experienced by all players. The close competition between the kids team, ages 6-9, and the adult team of midget and/or dwarfs is a copasetic tit-for-tat that keeps these everyday tasks interesting and extraordinary to watch.

In the pilot, the two five-member teams relay-raced up and down an endless concrete coliseum staircase and were challenged to change 726 light bulbs in a New York City 100-story skyscraper. Each failure and triumph is sure to be felt by viewers at home.

“I think I can, I think I can, I know I can, I know I can,” chants Mickey Sharp of the five-person Tiny But Mighty’s dwarf team.

I know you can, too, little buddy. APRIL FOOLS!

Anthony Williams hasn’t watched TV since he lost his remote in 2002.