Science Center sold to Walmart

The Science Center of Central Iowa announced the sale of its downtown location at 401 West Martin Luther King Jr. Parkway to Walmart Corporation. Walmart’s corporate leaders expect to have a new supercenter operational before the doors of the upcoming Hy-Vee open, thereby being the first grocer in the downtown market and creating a “first mover advantage.” The retail behemoth bought the building despite concerns from some city leaders who say this isn’t the message we want to send to the youth in central Iowa. But Walmart has pledged to incorporate much of the Science Center’s former attractions into its design.

Donut King going organic

Confirming customer accounts of weight gain and sugar induced mood swings, Donut King is pledging to change up its menu when it opens its new location in the East Village. Owner Lou King is planning a new menu consisting of only organic and/or vegan fare, but each entrée will be shaped in a circle and will have a hole in the middle just like at the former location.  “Each morsel will now be paired with a flute of asiago wine and dipped in a batter of probiotics and phytoplankton,” said King. “There won’t be any more sprinkles, though, and no refined sugars or white flour. Do expect a garnish of finely chopped spinach and a glaze of de-sweetened natural honey to go along with just a touch of paprika on each donut from now on, too.”

Sculpture Garden returns to its roots   

Artistic Autos has a cut a deal to pave over the John and Mary Pappajohn Sculpture Park in downtown and put in a used car lot. The used car dealership plans to sell the sculptures by first marking them with white chalk at impossibly high prices, then pretending to “settle” for sales at a reduced amount that is still quite a bit more than market value. As a condition of the sale, they’ve also pledged to continue the practice of pretending to consult their manager while refilling their coffee mugs and chomping down handfuls of Altoids in the backroom.

Great Wall of Iowa

More than 1,000 new food trucks are on order by local food truck conglomerate Optimus Thorax. The new trucks are slated to be set on every corner and every river bend from here to Ames and back. Sources say the line of culinary mediocrity will be visible from the moon. These food trucks will be like the Great Wall of China, forming a super buffet continued in every boulevard, avenue and parkway in the city.

Monorail sales coming

Confirming long held suspicions of most Des Moines citizens with an IQ higher than 88, Zack Mannheimer recently admitted he intends to bilk Des Moines’ citizenry into an ill-advised monorail construction project. The erstwhile native of New York City said he doesn’t really have anything to gain by the future fiasco; he’s just curious how gullible Iowans really are. CV

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