Paid for by tax payers

4/1/2016

To be paid on 3/22/2016

 

Amount: $5

To: Professional fees paid to PR firm Sterling Cooper & Partners

For: Iowa tagline development – Life Changing; Fields of Opportunity

 

Amount: $30,000

To: University of Northern Iowa basketball team

For: Paid by University of Northern Iowa basketball team to erase the team’s memory of its horrific NCAA fourth quarter collapse.

 

Amount: Blank check

To: Icon Construction

For: City Hall moving costs – temporary relocation of City Hall staff

 

Amount: $874,023

To: Polk County Jail

For: Amount spent by taxpayers for the “drunk tank” on St. Patrick’s Day

 

Amount: $400,000

To: Incoming freshman football players at the University of Iowa

For: Performance for NCAA violations

 

Amount: $0

To: No one

For: Amount spent on books by Des Moines Community Schools.

 

Amount: $111,250.58

To: Morten Construction

For: Morten building constructed on the lawn of the state capitol.

 

Amount: Infinite

To: Tasty Tacos

For: Amount of money well spent on Tasty Tacos original flour tacos.

 

Amount: $11,118.23

To: Ashton Kutcher

For: City of Des Moines flew the Iowa star home just to say “hi”

 

Amount: $255,970.67

To: Corn dog vendors

For: Cumulative amount spent on corn dogs by Iowans at the fair

 

Amount: $13,786,000.19

To: Various media outlets

For: Money spent by pols in Iowa during presidential runs

 

Amount: $80,955

To: Iowa Cosmetic Bliss

For: Steve King’s thigh liposuction

 

Amount: $13,980.98

To: Offered to Garth Brooks to perform concert No. 7

For: Des Moines Social Club

 

Amount: $36,000

To: Polk County Jail

For: For the eight-day incarceration of Kim and Khloe Kardashian. (Makeup and drugs included.)

 

Amount: $4,000

To: Bribe offered to Terry Branstad

For: By Hustler Magazine for pictures of his previously unseen upper lip.

 

Salaries and such

Name        Francis John McCaffery

Title         Choke artist

Department              University of Iowa

Annual Salary         $0 for being good late in the season

 

Travel

 

The Des Moines City Council approved travel funding in the amount of $44,573 to the Des Moines homeless population living behind the old Titan Tire plant. The money is to be used to visit Honolulu… permanently. The homeless had previously been evicted from their makeshift homes and tents along the shores of the Des Moines River, but the city would like each of them to buy a one-way ticket to anywhere while making like a tree and getting the heck out of this highly rated city. CV

APRIL FOOLS!