Friday, August 12, 2022

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Walks of Life

Professional knock-knock jokes


Four local comics share jokes for Beggars’ Night. 

Des Moines is just about the only place on Earth that boasts a Beggars’ Night, but that just means we do Beggars’ Night better than just about any place on the planet. Since our local Halloween tradition famously includes knock-knock jokes, CITYVIEW rounded up four local stand-up comedians who kindly shared a favorite knock-knock joke that is sure to get a chuckle. 

Greg Romans

Family man… Funny guy… Financial guru? 

“Dog biscuits and Snickers,” that’s the offerings at Greg Romans’ residence. Presumably, the biscuits are for the pups and the Snickers for the joke-telling kids who make him snicker. 

Romans works as a web designer, a photographer, a stand-up comedian, a comedy show promoter and as an actor. He is also a husband “to an amazing wife” and a father of two. He does not work as a financial planner, but if he were on the Halloween-candy trail this year, he might pretend to be. 

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“We Are.”
“We Are Who?”
“We Are Not In A Recession!”

Shane Scharer

Asking for just a little patience? 

Shane Scharer will be handing out candy bars to incoming jokesters this year.

“I always loved the houses that handed out full-size candy bars,” he remembers. 

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As such, he’ll return the favor by offering the big ones as well. 

By day, Scharer works for the state, but in his free time, he works for laughs as a stand-up comedian. Scharer is also a father and is married to “a very patient wife.” 

Some say patience is a virtue, but judging by Scharer’s recomended Halloween joke, he has precious little of it. 

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream soda.” 
“Ice cream soda who?”
“Ice scream soda people can hear me!”

Matthew Twomey 

Open-mic comic who also works in a call center 

As a stand-up comic, Matthew Twomey offers metro audiences the gift of laughter, but this upcoming Beggars’ Night, he has a different sort of smile inducer. 

“Mini-candy bars,” he says. “Probably $100,000 Bars.” 

Historically, the Twomey household hasn’t had many Halloween visitors, but that’s OK with Twomey.  

“If not, I’ll just have to eat them myself,” he explains. 

On the other hand, letting go of his stash would be worth it, as long as the payment went something like this: 

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The,” says the kid while doing a British accent.
“The Who?” 
“No way, mate, we’re The Rolling Stones.”

Morgan Hart 

Sweet but snarky

If and when Morgan Hart finds some adult free time, you can bet she’ll be looking for a stage. This local stand-up-comedy performer has been entertaining for a decade or so, and if you ask her friends, she has “the perfect balance of sweet and snarky.”

Take, for example, the offerings for trick-or-treaters at Hart’s home this Halloween weekend.

“Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Twix, chocolate-dipped razor blades for the bad kids, just kidding. I would never waste a razor on a child.” 

But there is nothing sweet about Hart’s favorite knock-knock wisecrack that can take hearers a minute or two to sink in. 

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Smell Mop.”
“Smell Mop Who?” ♦

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