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Guest Commentary

Jesus the candidate: Soft on crime, He’ll tax and spend

6/18/2014

Consider yourself cursed for the next 850 days or so.

With the November election 120 or so days away and the 2016 election adding 731 more to the total, you’ll be cursed with tens of thousands of messages of hate, lies and stupidity — all appealing to the worst that is in you,

Yep, campaign ads.

An optimistic nature leads me to expect only the worst in campaign ads — and yet a voice within and the evidence so far suggest that even “the worst” understates the abominations in store for us. Nothing is sacred. And to make that point, consider what campaign ads we’d be subject to if Jesus Christ were running for office and the opposition dug up the dirt on Him. (Aristotle and Buddha would be as vulnerable to attack ads, but we are more familiar with the teachings of Christ and many in the US consider it to be a Christian nation.)

So here are some 15-second attack ads. Consider the opening few words emblazoned across your TV screen and the lines intoned by that hideous voice that finds employment every election cycle. The accompanying graphic, of course, is likely a still shot of a bearded and long-haired ne’er-do-well. Every ad carries the required attribution.

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SOFT ON CRIME! What is Jesus Christ’s answer to crime? He says, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone or serve the first sentence. Been beaten up? Christ says to turn the other cheek. You can look it up, John 8:7, but you’ll want to vote it down. Send criminals a message. Vote NO! on Christ. I am Satan and I approve this message.

TAX AND SPEND! Jesus Christ wants you to pay more taxes. Render unto government whatever government wants. You can look it up, Matthew 22. Say NO! to taxes. I am Satan and I approve this message.

REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH! You’ve worked hard for your money, the vacation home, security for your family. Christ says forget it, sell all you have and give it to the poor. You can look it up, Mark 18, but you must vote it down. I am Satan…

CLIMATE CHANGE ACTIVIST! Don’t let Christ near nature’s thermostats. He says man controls the climate; He calmed a stormy sea. Don’t let him try to soak you. Look it up, Luke 8, and tell government to keep its hands off the weather or they’ll foul that up, too.

SOFT ON IMMIGRATION! He says, “In my Father’s house are many rooms.” Sure and who will foot the bills for the illegals and welfare kings and queens who will occupy those rooms? You can look it up, John 14.

ANTI-SECOND AMENDMENT! Jesus says those who live by the gun perish by the gun. Hah! Those who live by the gun save society from violence. Protect your sacred rights. Say no to pounding swords into plowshares.

A VOICE FOR THE LAZY! Forget about a minimum wage for a full day’s work. Jesus Christ says it is just fine to pay a person for one hour of work the same total as you would pay another person for eight or 10 hours of work. Look it up, Matthew 20, and vote NO! on Christ, the lazy man’s candidate.

THE JOB DESTROYER! If elected, Jesus would put wineries out of business and threaten private health care with his so-called miracle cures. Non-partisan think tanks estimate his election would cost America 5 million jobs and even more in Iowa! Accounts of Christcare riddle Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Protect your right for a “great physician” of your choice, not His.

A PIG IN A POKE! Christ managed to infuriate both the pork industry and PETA by having 2,000 head of swine jump off a cliff. Look it up in Mark 5. He’ll go after soybeans and ethanol next! I am Satan and I approve this message.

Those are the sort of campaign ads that will curse us for the 870 days or so.

But what’s even worse is that ads like that seem to work. CV

Herb Strentz is a retired administrator and professor in the Drake School of Journalism and Mass Communication and writes occasional columns for Cityview.

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