jon@dmcityview.com

More ideas to save money and stay warm this winter

We've been forewarned that the cruel winter staring us down will be even crueler because Mid-American Energy is planning on legally raping each and every one of us when it comes to providing us that pesky creature comfort: heat. Like everything else, it's Katrina's fault - or at least that's their excuse.

Either way, I knew it was serious when Gov. Tom Vilsack, who doesn't even pay his own power bill, chimed in last week to say that we need to be prepared. "The people I've put on the Iowa Utilities Board couldn't give a flying fuck about how much you're going to pay this winter to heat your house," Vilsack might as well have said. "Because I put them there to appease the big energy companies that stuffed my campaign coffers with thousands of dollars over the years."

Sure Vilsack cares about Iowans. He's running for president. But for a guy who is notorious for giving away the farm, urging us to set our thermostats lower, properly seal our homes and "wear more clothes," while Mid-American fattens its bottom line, seems, well, just a tad bit ingenuous. So I've compiled my own list below to help you.

My ties with the monopolistic Mid-American Energy are likely the same as yours: They bend me over every month and I take it. And while it would, of course, be easier for the governor to appoint a utilities board that is more watchdog than lapdog, or the Iowa Legislature to open the system up for independent energy providers, for the time being, we simply have to play the hand we've been dealt.

Mid-American's tips to save you money (wrapping a blanket around your hot water heater, unplugging appliances not in use) are likely useful. But does anything say "complete and utter domination" like an entity urging you to not use its product? Marlboro spends millions telling smokers not to smoke. Why? Because they know smokers won't listen. It's the same with Mid-American. When it's cheaper to actually burn your house down than to heat it, they have you right where they want you.

However, Iowa Utilities Board spokesman Rob Hillesland told me, "It's not the local utility companies gouging you. They're gouged first by the producers. They just pass it along." Hillesland also said the consumer's cost for natural gas is the same as Mid-American's, and that Mid-American (80 percent of which is owned by billionaire Warren Buffett, who is well known for making horrible business deals) passes it on to the consumer "dollar for dollar."

To paraphrase Rep. Ed Fallon: "Pull this one and it plays jingle bells." Fallon, who is running for governor and promises local utility companies that wouldn't get rich at the expense of the poor and sick, says, "Politicians are on the take." And while Mid-American can say it passes on costs at a dollar-for-dollar basis, he says, what is not included in that are the company's service fees - which is where we take it in the collective shorts. "We need to be exploring all options," Fallon says.
Which leads me to my tips.

Or tits.

When I played football as a kid, my coach used to tell me on those frigid Saturday mornings to put my hands down the front of my pants when I was standing on the sideline. No, it wasn't the Catholic youth league, he was just pointing out that the nether region is where the body is warmest. Thus, my first tip is to start fooling around more. Nothing warms people up like a good screw. So when it's cold, go for the gold.

Second, drink more alcohol. This is fairly self-explanatory. If you pass out, you don't know how cold it is. Homeless people die all the time in the winter from doing it. And while situations like these are tragic, turning the thermostat down to 55 is easier to handle with a pint of Sweet Lucy. Not to mention, the cold helps cure the hangover.

Third, mess with your mind. Why is it that when it's 50 degrees outside we all proclaim how beautiful it is and open our doors and windows and celebrate the gorgeous weather, yet, when it's 65 inside, we're "freezing"? The people in the movie "Alive," the ones stuck in Andes after a plane crash, were "freezing." Like everything, a lot of this is mental. Iowa isn't heaven. But it's not the planet Hoth either. So the next time you're "freezing," pretend you're one of the people in that plane crash. Just don't eat your neighbor's ass - unless they're into that sort of thing.

Fourth, assist in global warming. With the whole gas shortage proving to be a farce, it will likely be cheaper to drive around all winter than stay at home. And because the earth gets warmer every time you turn your car key, and it is heating up an alarming one degree every 33 years, by the time my great, great grandchildren have great, great grandchildren, with a little luck, Des Moines in February will feel a lot more like Osceola.

And lastly, consume more in the way of empty calories. Statistics say you're probably fat anyway, if not morbidly obese, so what are a few extra pounds when they're hiding under a winter coat? A steady diet of Ramen noodles, cheesy poofs and Halloween candy can really thicken a person up. Being fat isn't smart, of course, but neither is being dead-ass broke because your Mid-American bill is higher than your mortgage.

And while every penny you save by cutting back through either my plan, the governor's or Mid-American's will likely be given back to that company through government corporate welfare or programs disguised to help the needy, in the end, all that counts is you sticking it to the man - at least minutely. CV

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