Wife's hygiene habits get under man's skin

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful woman, "Leora," for 35 years. We have five grown children any parent would be proud of. Throughout our marriage, I worked while Leora took care of the children. I retired about three months ago. Now I am home with Leora all the time and have just realized that she bathes only about three times a week. This not only upsets me, but also disgusts me. I know she used to bathe the children every night when they were little, and she insisted they bathe regularly growing up. When I asked her about this, she said she has "always bathed when she needed it," and that might be nightly - or not. She attributes this to being raised on a ranch where water was scarce. Abby, we live quite comfortably. The cost of water is not an issue. I told her that people have to bathe daily in order to be clean. She asked if I could ever tell she hadn't bathed daily and the answer is no, but I know now, and it bothers me. Please tell her that people have to bathe daily to remove dead skin cells, etc. She seems to think if I couldn't tell for 35 years that she hasn't bathed every day the topic is not an issue. It's getting to the point that I don't want to sleep in the same bed with her knowing she hasn't bathed that day. -SEPARATE BEDROOMS IN THE FUTURE

DEAR SEPARATE: First, let's get a handle on what's really bothering you: You've been hitting skank for three and a half decades and had no idea. She passed the sniff test, you rode. And while the thought of festering might drive you away, it's no reason to act like a, ahem, douche bag. Laura Ingalls bathed once a week on Saturday nights and that was usually after no-eyes Mary, Ma, Pa, the twins and cousin Willie had already turned the trough into trouser chili. Is your wife gross for not taking advantage of running water? Sure. But is it worth you moving down the hall? After 35 years, you should be there anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Rose," asked me something I'm not sure about - so I'm turning to you. An elderly friend of hers was ill, so Rose bought a get-well card and the people at her senior center all signed it. Before she could mail it, the friend passed away, so Rose asked me if it would be OK to send the get-well card along with a sympathy card. I told her she should have the friends at the senior center just sign the sympathy card and send it. Now I'm having second thoughts. Do you think I said the right thing? -UNSURE IN CAMPBELL, CALIF.

DEAR UNSURE: Absolutely. And this may come as a huge letdown for an elderly woman like yourself, but when you die, you can't actually get better. So when you've had your applesauce, finished the Canasta tournament and are done soiling yourself, spread the word.

DEAR ABBY: For the past two summers, my husband and I have traveled out of state to visit my best friend from high school, "Grace," and her live-in boyfriend. Our other girlfriend, "Dina," joins us with her live-in boyfriend. Dina hasn't been getting along with her boyfriend and seems to have emotionally latched on to my husband. (We've been married two years.) During the last visit, Dina wouldn't drink a glass of wine unless she shared my husband's glass. She laughed at everything he said, complimented his looks, took photos of him nonstop, and fawned all over him. My husband is flirtatious with all my friends and, although he didn't do anything inappropriate during the weekend, I felt threatened and told him so. I feel Dina's actions were disloyal and disrespectful of our 30-year friendship. For sure, I don't want to do the couple thing again next summer. Is this a friend I should keep? -FURIOUS IN ROSWELL, GA.

DEAR FURIOUS: Absolutely. In fact, you should be flattered. What if your best friend thought your husband was a bore and didn't want to get in his Dockers? Nothing worse than having a spouse no one else is interested in. And as long as they aren't screwing - which is doubtful if she's put the full-court press on - then no harm, no foul.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancè, "John," wears women's underwear and hose. He likes it, and I realize it doesn't mean he's gay. But that's not the problem. His ex-wife, "Anita," insists on starting conversations with me about it, preferably within earshot of others. She asked, in front of their attorneys after a recent court hearing, if I "liked" the fact that John wears women's silk panties. I realize Anita is doing this to embarrass John and me, and I don't know what to do when she starts these conversations. I've never met anyone so cynical, defensive, verbally abusive and in need of counseling. She's also an alcoholic in denial, but she doesn't have to be drunk to start these conversations. This is one of the reasons Anita doesn't have custody of their minor children. I have tried ignoring her, but she'll stand there and talk to the back of my head, and the comments get increasingly personal and intrusive. How can I stop Anita in her tracks? -EMBARRASSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Tell her she'd know how much you like it if she hadn't been drunk all the time. And then add, "But then again, you were too busy losing custody of your kids to figure it out." Looking to stop her in her tracks? Deliver those words in a nasty, know-it-all tone and you might just get a drink thrown in your face, or, even better, a feline one-on-one. CV

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