by Steve Deace

editor@dmcityview.com

Remember those rambling Larry King columns in USA Today back in the day? This week's trip to Mars Hill will be lame like that, complete with misplaced ellipses and bad satire.

I would like to congratulate University of Iowa adjunct law professor Erin Buzuvis for quite possibly being the citizen in our state with the most free time on her hands. Buzuvis, in case you had forgotten, is the adjunct law professor at the U of I who is protesting the school's NCAA recertification on the grounds that the pink visitors' locker room at Kinnick Stadium is sexist and homophobic. And to think we're subsidizing this nonsense. As a way of reimbursing all of us who pay taxes for this tripe, how about a steelcage match between Dr. Buzuvis and the Reverend Fred Phelps of "God hates fags" infamy? Except the real winners will be all of us when we lock each of them in there for good and don't allow them out to terrorize the populace ever again...

Here's a shocker: Sen. Tom Harkin voted against John Roberts' nomination as chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. And he did so on the grounds that he wasn't sure Roberts would protect the rights of the powerless, which is an intriguing position for someone who advocates infanticide as a moral and political position. After all, is anyone more powerless than a baby in its mother's womb? By the way, Harkin says that while Roberts knows the Constitution and the law and is a good, decent and modest man, he doesn't want him on the court. Yeah, knowledge of the law, modesty and decency - those sure don't sound like traits we ought to be looking for in justices, do they? No, apparently we're looking for folks who will confiscate private property and starve defenseless women to death instead...

President Bush says to expect an increase in violence in Iraq between now and next month's elections. Really, Mr. President? I guess I wasn't aware there had ever been a decrease in violence in Iraq...

Recently, professional jerk Bill Maher - otherwise known as a deep thinker by our secular elites - compared the first lady of the United States to Hitler's dog. And they say that Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell are over-the-top, angry white men...

A story in the Los Angeles Times claims the media blew Hurricane Katrina out of proportion with its coverage of unverified reports of rapes, widespread looting and desolation. Defrocked newsman Dan Rather, however, disputed such claims as "bogus" and the result of the "new journalistic order" applying pressure to newsrooms by demanding outdated things like perspective, fairness and integrity from the industry...

Last week Cindy Sheehan - the so-called "peace mom" - left occupied New Orleans in order to meet with Emperor John McCain. Afterwards, Sheehan appeared on the set of NBC's "The Left Wing" for a meet-and-greet with Martin Sheen. Afterwards, Sheehan had a warm cup of milk and went to bed. Afterwards Sheehan got up the next morning, used the potty and tried that new body wash she picked up at the store. Afterwards, Sheehan stopped at a Stuckey's for a bit of breakfast (a veggie omelet only in response to the oppressed bovines at the meat-packing plant). Afterwards, Sheehan appeared on "Air America" for the 3,756th time. Afterwards, Sheehan spoke out on behalf of the millions oppressed by occupied media like Fox News that are unable to change the channel on their own because "George W. Bush has the ball-bearing industry in his back pocket." Afterwards, our sycophantic fourth estate kept reporting on her every move soon after the rest of America stopped giving a rip...

I'm still waiting for Polk County chief election hombre Michael Mauro to accept former Des Moines School Board candidate Jonathan Narcisse's challenge to a lie detector test over whether or not his charges of electioneering (which is a nice euphemism for cheating) are true. Mauro recently said he had the approval "of the blacks" on the Jan Mickelson program before instituting the pod-voting system, so he doesn't know what Narcisse is complaining about. Narcisse, by the way, believes the cheating was done for geographic reasons tied to school closings, not racial ones. In a completely unrelated note, Ross Perot may endorse Mauro's prospective bid for secretary of state on the grounds that he likes the way Mauro handles "those people"...

In conclusion, did you notice in this column that it is possible to be funny, analytical and satirically poignant without a heavy dose of four-letter bombs? CV

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