Dr. Timothy Diebel, senior minister at First Christian Church in Des Moines, said he prefers conducting funerals to weddings. “They’re emotionally exhausting, but funerals are very real,” he said.

Photos and story by Michael Swanger

Sixty-seven-year-old Keith Reichert’s wife and four daughters were by his side when he died Feb. 5 at the Iowa Health Hospice Taylor House in Des Moines. They were with him every step of the way — from a series of health problems with his kidneys, neck and back that landed him in and out of the hospital last fall, to pneumonia, a tracheotomy and a ventilator that kept him there this winter and sent him to hospice.

“We were all surrounding him,” said Karyn Downing, his daughter. “He had all four of his girls and his wife there. It was a blessing.”

While his family grieved the end of Reichert’s life and contemplated his comfort in another kingdom, their work in completing his journey here on earth had just begun. Downing said her parents had briefly discussed funeral arrangements, having narrowed down the choices for his burial to two cemeteries, but they had not discussed services or the numerous decisions involved in arranging them. That’s when Downing’s father-in-law, owner of Hamilton’s Funeral and After Life Services, was called in to help.

“We knew he would help us when that time came,” Downing said. “I called him at 3:30 a.m. the night dad died and woke him up. After he met with the family, he put on his funeral director’s hat and was all business. That’s what we needed. We needed guidance.”

With the help of her father-in-law and her sister-in-law (a funeral director at Hamilton’s), Downing and her family embarked on the detailed work of planning the family patriarch’s funeral. They spent more than three hours the next morning mulling over things like caskets, vaults, markers, burial plots, flowers, pallbearers, service folders and prayer cards, then met for another hour with their minister Dr. Randy Ehrhardt to help him craft a eulogy.

There were other matters at hand, too, including notifying family and friends, gathering information for the obituary, locating important documents and digging through family photos to be used at the visitation, duties which they divided up. Like most people, Downing and her family learned that planning a funeral can be a difficult task at a time when they are the least emotionally prepared to do so.

“It was an exhausting day. We were sleep-deprived and still grieving, then we had to go through the planning,” said Downing, a 38-year-old nurse, wife and mother of three boys. “It was a team effort. I couldn’t imagine going through that without my mother and my sisters.

“But the real credit goes to the funeral home. When your mind isn’t thinking clearly, it’s great to have people who know what to do and are so understanding and sympathetic. In my father-in-law and sister-in-law, we had that. They did everything they could think of to take care of my dad and us. It touched my heart.”

Saving money, sparing added grief
They say there are two things you can’t avoid in life: death and taxes. Both can cost thousands of dollars. But unlike taxes, you can control your final bill on earth, especially if you prearrange your funeral.

“You can lock in at today’s rates and save some money,” said Dan Fisher, manager of McLaren’s

Funeral Chapel in West Des Moines. “You’re also making choices for arrangements in a good state of mind. There is no pressure or grief. What better way to make a difficult choice than when you’re not grieving?”

In addition to saving money, you can also save your loved ones the arduous task of planning your funeral while they are grieving your death.

“When we tell families we have prearranged notes, you can see the relief on their faces,” said John Wild, general manager at Iles Funeral Homes, which includes Dunn’s, Westover and Grandview Park in Des Moines. “It makes a huge difference to the family at the time of death.”

Talking about death, let alone their own funeral, can be difficult for some people. Fisher and Wild said that about 25 to 30 percent of their customers have some kind of prearrangement and even fewer are fully paid in advance. According to AARP, approximately 32 percent of Americans age 50 and older have prepaid some or all of their funeral and burial expenses. That translates to about 21 million people.

“Most who do prepay say they do it for the peace of mind so that their surviving spouse and family members don’t have to worry about it,” Fisher said. “But we’re seeing that number grow because people see the value in it.”

Dan Fisher, manager of McLaren’s Funeral Chapel in West Des Moines, said one of the most difficult aspects of a funeral director’s job is that he only gets one chance to help families plan the funeral they want. “You want things perfect for the family, and they want things perfect,” he said.

For many people, a funeral is the fourth most expensive item they will purchase, behind their home, their child’s college education and a car. The National Funeral Director’s Association last fall estimated that the average cost of a funeral is $6,500. Add to that cemetery, monument, floral and transportation costs and you can easily spend more than $10,000. Fisher and Wild say the average total cost of a typical funeral at their businesses is about $7,500 to $9,000. In many cases, the deceased’s life insurance policy or death benefit covers funeral expenses, though not everyone has life insurance. In other cases, people write a check or use their credit card to pay for services.

There are cost-saving alternatives to traditional burials. Cremation, for example, can cost as little as $1,500 for basic services. Most cremations cost about $4,500 depending on the time between viewing (if any) and cremation, as well as cemetery and urn expenses. Cremation societies even offer basic services for less. In the U.S., nearly 25 percent of those who die are cremated, and that number is expected to rise to 33 percent in 2010.

“A lot of people say they want to keep it simple, but you don’t know what their idea of simple is until you show them the range,” said Fisher, who has worked as a funeral director for more than 30 years.

Funeral homes are required by law to give you a detailed price list if you ask for it. Some funeral homes even have cost calculators on their Web sites to help determine funeral costs in advance or in the privacy of your home. Wild and Fisher say legitimate businesses like theirs are more than willing to show customers the range of choices and prices, and that they should avoid anyone who doesn’t do so or pressures them to spend more than what they can afford.

“We are not about pressure at all,” Fisher said. “We’re the furthest from that. Our responsibility is to be upfront and talk to them about pricing and their choices and to make sure we’re not doing something out of their price range. Even though we’re a business, we would never turn anyone away.”

Wild, who has worked at Iles for 25 years, concurs and said trust is key to helping customers plan a meaningful and affordable funeral.

“You’re meeting people on one of the worst days of their lives and working with them in a short period of time to guide them to a meaningful way of saying goodbye to someone they love,” he said. “People often feel pressured to do more because they’re emotional. We talk about that and make sure they are comfortable with their choices. We don’t want to put people in a position they can’t afford.”

Adding up the bill
While many people think about caskets (they range from $700 to $4,000 with an average of $1,500 - $2,000), vaults, plots, markers and flowers (most sprays cost $100 to $500) regarding funeral expenses, there are other charges involved. They include fees for embalming and refrigeration; transporting remains to the funeral home; opening and closing a grave (approximately $500 for rural cemeteries, $825 for city cemeteries during the week and as much as $1,000 during the weekend); paying $75 to $200 for musicians (funeral homes offer thousands of songs in-house and encourage customers to bring in their iPods); an honorarium for clergy ($100-$200); newspaper obituaries (The Des Moines Register publishes notices up to 250 characters for free but charge $4.15 per line for full obits); death certificates; and paying for lunch catered to the funeral home or hosted at and prepared by church staff (usually $2 per guest).

“We encourage people not to be in a hurry and to be comfortable with their decisions,” Wild said.

One area, Fisher and Wild said, that people invest a lot of time and energy on is items that memorialize their loved ones. That includes selecting poems for service folders, registry books, thank you cards, candles, photos and videos. Iles Funeral Home charges $395 for such services.

“We want to provide as many tools as possible to create a meaningful service,” Wild said. “We want them to be able to look back at it as something very powerful that touches them in some way.”

A person’s religion can also dictate prices and services. Devout Catholics, for example, who chose to be cremated, usually will have a viewing, which costs more than a cremation without a viewing. Some religions dictate that services be held at the church. Contrastingly, ministers are called upon to officiate memorial and funeral services for people who they barely or do not know.

“I work with a family I don’t know the same way I work with a family that is from our congregation,” said Dr. Timothy Diebel, senior minister at First Christian Church in Des Moines, who officiates about 25 funerals each year. “Though there are often tears, it is a joy to see family members come together and talk about a loved one. It’s almost always celebratory.”

Diebel added, “trends are changing” when it comes to the role churches play in funerals. He says fewer church luncheons are held as a matter of convenience for those who might spend their lunch break attending a funeral and gravesite services, but don’t have time to travel to a church afterwards for fellowship.

“Fewer and fewer people have the luxury of being able to break away from work for two hours,” he said. “Especially in this economy. That’s why visitations held the night before are more and more critical. It’s not uncommon to see 100 people at a visitation and less than 50 at the funeral the next morning.”

John Wild, general manager of Iles Funeral Homes, advises people to prearrange their funerals. "It's a way to save some money, and it allows you to make choices at a time that isn't so emotional," he said.

Funeral directors say it can also be difficult to locate enough military honor guard for funerals for military personnel and veterans as required by law. Nonetheless, funeral benefits for Iowa servicemen and servicewomen have improved in part thanks to the opening last July of the Iowa Veterans Cemetery in Van Meter. In addition to a free marker, American flag, playing of “Taps” and presence of honor guard for veterans at any cemetery, those who are buried at the new cemetery also receive a free lot, grave liner and monument. Even their spouses, should they choose to be buried there, pay only about $300.

“A lot of vets are applying for pre-approval there,” Wild said. “The only thing they can’t do is pick their space.”

Iowa veterans aren’t the only ones benefiting from new laws when it comes to planning funerals. Last year, Iowa lawmakers passed a bill that allows residents to name an executor of their funeral affairs, trumping family pecking orders if chosen by the deceased in a document that is notarized, witnessed and signed.

“Anyone can benefit from it, including those who have partners but are not married,” Fisher said. “Our association supported it, and we think it’s a great tool.”

In the end, no matter who is charge of a person’s final wishes, the best plan is to make as many advance arrangements as possible, experts say.

“It makes me and my husband think about planning our funerals,” Downing said.

Diebel said you might even learn something about yourself and your loved ones along the way.

“Talk about it with people you care about then write it down,” Diebel said. “Unfortunately, we learn an incredible amount of things about people after they’re dead. Why can’t we gain access to that information while they’re alive?” CV

10 things to know about prearranging a funeral or cremation service

Military personnel and veterans are entitled to a range of funeral benefits.

Be informed about the choices available — How would you like to be remembered? Your funeral or cremation service should be personalized to reflect your wishes and should bring comfort to your family and friends. Prearranging gives you the opportunity to be informed about your options in a non-pressured environment, when you have the time to think things through. Write down your wishes regarding a variety of decisions including caskets, markers, photographs, music, pallbearers, honorary pallbearers and obituaries.

Your wishes need to be documented — Many people think they have taken care of everything by writing a will, establishing a living will or purchasing their cemetery plot. But a will simply leaves instructions for the handling of a person’s financial affairs, while a living will usually clarifies general wishes regarding medical treatment. Funeral or cremation services still must be planned and paid for. Make sure that your wishes are written and shared with your family and attorney.

Prices for most caskets range from $700 to $4,000.

Talk about it with your family and incorporate their wishes — A funeral or memorial service is an important part of the grieving process. For family members the service provides an opportunity to express their grief, share memories and to celebrate a life lived. Involving those most affected by your death can bring peace of mind and relief to those who will carry out your last wishes.

Decide the final disposition — Whether you choose traditional burial, mausoleum entombment or inurnment in a cremation garden, determining your final disposition is personal decision influenced by your faith and beliefs.

Don’t be afraid to ask about prices — The cost to arrange a funeral or cremation can vary. Be sure to choose a funeral home that presents its prices clearly and simply. Prearranging gives you to keep your financial commitment at a comfortable level while eliminating the financial burden placed on your surviving family members.

Consider prepaying for your arrangements — It allows you to lock in current prices for services that are subject to inflation over the years.

Insurance may not be enough — Life insurance and final expense insurance provides a one-time lump sum benefit after death. But sometimes insurance may not be enough, as insurance policies are not protected against inflation.

Medicaid assistance — In many states, a prearranged funeral or cremation service funded by life insurance may be treated as an exempt asset for Medicaid qualification purposes. This allows you to prearrange the service you desire while maintaining your assistance eligibility. Many states have no maximum limit in the amount of a prearranged funeral or cremation service.

Government benefits — Most funeral and burial benefits provided by the Social Security

A person’s faith can shape his or her funeral arrangements.

Administration and Veterans Administration are limited. Under certain conditions Social Security provides a one-time death benefit to the spouse of an eligible recipient. To receive Social Security benefits you must provide a SS number, marriage license, children’s birth certificates, W2 for the previous two years, proof of widow(er)’s age if 62 or older and a certified copy of the death certificate. For non-service related deaths, the V.A. will pay up to $300 for burial and funeral expenses and a plot internment allowance up to $300, in lieu of burial in a national cemetery. It will provide upon request a headstone or marker, and a burial flag. To find learn more about benefits contact the Social Security Administration at (800) 772-1213 or www.ssa.gov or the V.A. at (800) 827-1000 or www.cem.va.gov/benvba.htm.

Use a guide — A personal planning guide is a valuable tool that includes important information that your loved ones can access quickly and easily.

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