Winners

Alice Forest of Diagonal hauled in the ultimate prize last week when she picked the world’s largest morel mushroom during a hunting trip “somewhere near Easter Lake.” “Imagine how much butter I’m gonna to need to fry this baby up!” Forest shouted with glee after registering her catch with DNR officials. For the record, Forest’s giant morel weighed in at 52 pounds and stood 3’11”, smashing the previous record of 41 pounds, 3’2” set by Richard Weed of West Branch, making this the second consecutive world record morel found in the Hawkeye state. “I was looking under rocks and fallen trees and such, listening to the Bristol race on my Walkman radio — just enjoying nature — when I ran into this beauty… literally. I couldn’t believe something like that could be found somewhere near Easter Lake, what with all that development.” Forest plans to cook the giant morel during a fundraiser on Saturday at the UAW Legion Hall in Diagonal, where proceeds from the meal will help pay for a surgery to repair the torn hernia she suffered carrying the morel to her truck.

Three cheers for the Des Moines City Council for approving an ordinance that would put a moratorium on silly behavior in the name of charity. According to the new law, “those who wish to organize or participate in charitable rides, walks, runs, dances and bowl-a-thons may no longer engage in ridiculous, cliché behavior that includes but is not limited to shaving heads, coloring hair, running semi-nude in cold weather or eating things that would make a goat puke.” Mayor Frank Cownie said such events have “become tiresome and predictable” in the metro where large insurance companies encourage employees to participate in such events as part of their wellness programs. “Look, if you want to give a charity your money, just write a check and be done with it. These cockamamie stunts are just another way for marketing and human resources department employees to get out of doing actual work,” Cownie said. “Besides, how many more times do I need to see Barry Griswell shoot free-throws or David Hurd dress up like a woman? Enough is enough.”

Fresh off her multi-million-dollar class-action suit victory over Microsoft Corp., Des Moines attorney Roxanne Conlin is taking on another corporate giant on behalf of Iowans. Conlin has filed suit against McDonald’s claiming that because the fast-food restaurant’s food has addictive qualities — particularly its fries and chicken nuggets — that it should be required to label its super-sized meals with warning stickers like: “If you eat this three times a day and are 60 pounds overweight, you might be subject to heart disease, diarrhea, erectile dysfunction and cramps.” Conlin has accused McDonald’s of “calorie pushing” and is looking for obese men and women who may have been victimized by McDonald’s super-sizing. “You may be eligible for compensation for obesity pandering,” Conlin said in an ad placed by her firm seeking victims. Iowans’ obesity problems could be worth big money as Conlin reportedly is seeking $2 trillion in damages, $1.5 trillion of which would be dispersed to Iowans if she wins, and $500 million for her counseling fees.

Losers

In a secret meeting in New Orleans last week, Polk County Supervisors worked out a tentative deal that could convert Veterans Memorial Auditorium into the world’s second largest fishing and outdoor supply store. Supervisors negotiated a bid from Cabela’s, a Nebraska-based retailer that would do to Vets what Bass Pro Shops has done to the Memphis Pyramid, a similarly outdated arena. The plan would create 250,000 square feet of retail space in a building that is barely used today. The deal only needs to be approved by the entire Board of Supervisors in a second vote and also by Global Spectrum, the Philadelphia company that manages the Iowa Events Center.

Officials at Jordan Creek Town Center announced that the mega mall would get a jump on the competition for Christmas sales by hosting Santa Claus during the Fourth of July weekend. “What’s more American than fireworks and Santa?” a marketing spokesperson said. To promote the event, the mall has hired carolers to stroll the center and sing the “Star Spangled Banner” and other holiday tunes.

Chicago Cubs officials said they are “majorly embarrassed” they were duped out of millions of dollars by former star pitcher and clubhouse joker Mark Prior after the former golden boy revealed to his San Diego Padres teammates that he was “just having some fun” while bluffing his former team into believing that he needed multiple shoulder surgeries during the past few years. “Hey, if the only thing you had to do was throw a few spring training innings and spend the rest of the season lounging by the pool, you’d be a fool to pass that up,” Prior laughed. Former Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry gushed, “Oh, that trickster. He got us with the old ‘torn rotator cuff bit.” CV

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