Compiled by Jared Curtis jared@dmcityview.com

On the clock
Des Moines police – March 21-24

March 21, 8:10 a.m.

Operating while intoxicated in the 800 block of Grand Avenue. Officers responded to a report of a gentleman driving erratically in and out of traffic on a Segway Personal Transporter. Upon arrival, officers saw the white male spinning in circles and rolling out in front of oncoming traffic. Officers approached the allegedly intoxicated suspect, but he saw them coming and leaned forward to get away. As officers pursued on foot, the suspect looked back, flipping off the officers. While leaning back, it slowed his momentum and the Segway came to a complete stop. Officers arrested him and strapped the Segway to the top of their squad car as they transported him to the Polk County Jail.

March 23, 1:12 a.m.

Destruction of property in the 1200 block of Dean Avenue. While at the Brownsville Station bar, two patrons began arguing over their tastes in music. One patron exclaimed, “The Allman Brothers are southern rock, no ifs, ands, or buts!” The other patron disagreed, “If the Marshall Tucker Band was here, your ass would be kicked!” The two began to push and shove each other when a third suspect broke a beer bottle, gaining their attention. “If Ronnie Van Zant heard you say that, he would choke you both to death with a confederate flag.” The three men began punching and choking each other until “Southern Man” by Neil Young began playing on the jukebox. All three men stopped fighting and destroyed the jukebox before police arrested them.

March 24, 5:13 p.m.

Burglary in the 300 block of Lower Beaver Road. The victim came home to find the back window had been broken. Multiple items including, three flat screen TVs, more than 500 DVDs, three digital video cameras, two computers, lighting and microphone equipment, more than 30 costumes, as well as a large variety of sex toys, were taken. The owner runs an adult-based Web site and film production company. He believes a disgruntled former employee could be involved.

BUSTED

Name: Reba Lohan

The story: Officers were called to the “Poon Saloon,” a gentleman’s club, 1612 N.E. 54th Ave., on a public intoxication and disturbance call. Upon arrival, officers spoke with the manager, Phil Mybals, who stated that Lohan was allegedly intoxicated when she entered the club and repeatedly tried to climb up on stage, saying she was celebrity Lindsay Lohan’s third cousin through marriage and “she was better than that slut on stage.” That so-called “slut,” Starlight Lexus, took offense and kicked Lohan in the face with her stiletto boot. Lohan grabbed Lexus’ leg and pulled her off stage. Lexus then began punching Lohan in the face multiple times as spectators cheered them on. Lexus returned to the stage, and Lohan was transported to the Polk County Jail.

DOCKET DIVING

The following is from a recent ruling made by the Arizona Court of Appeals regarding the case of the State of Arizona vs. H.I. McDunnough.

“H.I. McDunnough, a criminal with a checkered past, was seen entering a Short Stop gas station, 2318 Indianola Ave. McDunnough put a pair of pantyhose over his head, grabbed a bag of diapers and approached the counter, ‘Wake up son! I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.’ As the clerk put the money in a bag, McDunnough’s getaway car drove off without him. He ran outside to catch the car only to see police approaching and the Short Stop employee firing a handgun at him. McDunnough ran out in front of a truck and was hit, but regained composure and took the driver hostage, forcing him to ‘drive fast.’

“As officers were chasing the truck, the driver turned down a dead end road and slammed on the brakes before it went through the front of a house. The truck was traveling at a high rate of speed, and McDunnough was thrown through the windshield into the front yard. McDonnough then ran through the front door of a residence, and a foot chase ensued. Cutting through yards and alleys and being chased by neighborhood dogs, McDonnough ended up in the parking lot of the Safeway Grocery Store, 320 Main St. He went inside to grab another package of diapers, where police and the dogs followed. After grabbing the diapers, an officer cornered McDonnough, but he threw the diaper bag at the officer forcing him into the aisle, where he was run down by a woman with a shopping cart being chased by the pack of dogs. A butcher at the Safeway meat counter then shot at McDonnough. McDonnough escaped the grocery store and was picked up by his getaway driver and led to the location of the Huggies he dropped while being chased earlier in the evening.

“Although McDunnough was never charged for this crime, eyewitnesses placed him at the scene of the crime. McDunnough admitted ‘having problems with the law in the past,’ but has ‘strived to live a crime free life.’ We affirm McDunnough’s innocence.”

Missing

Name: Heidi Soliday
Age: 54
Height: 5’6”
Weight: 159 lbs.
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Incident type: Unjustly thrown to the curb by KCCI. After taking the job as KCCI Sports Director in 1990, Soliday became the first female television sports director in the country. She received numerous professional honors for her work in sports reporting. Soliday was last seen months ago covering a girls high school basketball game.

1,095 : The number of days it takes to tunnel out of the Polk County Jail with a spork.

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