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'The Wicker Man'

By Bob Grimm

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A new film has pulled into pole position for the title of worst of the year.

Say hello to "The Wicker Man," a horrible remake of the British cult horror film that stars the semi-reliable Nicolas Cage, is directed by the often good Neil LaBute, and yet couldn't be worse. LaBute, maker of such fine dramas as "In the Company of Men" and "Your Friends and Neighbors," makes it clear that while social horror is his forte, he has no business directing a straightforward horror film.

Cage plays Edward, a California cop who witnesses a fatal accident at film's beginning and goes into a funk. He was unable to save a little girl, and this haunts him. Then, he gets a letter from an old girlfriend asking for help, because her daughter is lost. She's apparently living in some sort of commune off the Oregon coast, and her predicament is somewhat intriguing, so he sets out to help her.

The strange commune is run by women, and they harvest bees. They speak like the annoying bastards in "The Village," a sort of half-Shakespeare, half-pilgrim tongue. This makes every word of dialogue out of the commune inhabitants' mouths damn annoying (an actress playing a bartender looks like she's struggling not to laugh as she delivers her lines). Ellen Burstyn plays the queen bee, so to speak, of the island, and her wig is funnier than, well, the wig Cage is wearing.

Edward shows up, drinks some mead, squashes a bee with his mug and immediately gets on everybody's bad side. He meets up with his ex (Kate Beahan), who is the spitting image of Fiona Apple. Cage's performance then goes from somber to total camp. It's some of the worst work he's ever done, and it makes his acting in Brian De Palma's "Snake Eyes" seem nuanced.

This is a movie where Cage - I shit you not - is required to wear a bear suit and run through the forest near the film's end, like he's in Bjork's "Human Behavior" video. This actually occurs during what's supposed to be a serious part of the film. We're supposed to feel dread for his character, and he's dressed in a fucking bear suit. He's on his way to rescue somebody from burning in some sort of pagan festival, while Burstyn is wearing blue facial makeup that makes her look like Mel Gibson's William Wallace from "Braveheart," and - I feel it's necessary to point this out one last time - he's dressed in a goofy-assed bear suit. With a big male effigy ablaze and a bunch of people in stupid animal suits, the movie ends like a low-grade Burning Man festival.

"The Wicker Man" is so bad, you start playing movie games. I, for one, started watching Cage's character as if he were H.I. McDunnough, his role in "Raising Arizona." This made the unintentionally funny film even more hilarious. There's a scene where his character finds out he has a daughter, and the inner dialogue in my head screamed, "What, are ya kiddin'? We got us a family here!" I laughed out loud, confusing patrons around me.

In fact, watch this one as a comedy. You'll have a much better chance of enjoying yourself. Go with a friend this week, and yell your own dialogue at the screen like you were in an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000." Don't worry; nobody else will be there to hear you.

Proceed with caution, because we are talking about a film that's bad to a monumental degree. Cage will probably rebound, but I imagine this will cause some serious problems for LaBute, who failed on so many levels, it will be a wonder if he ever works again. Nothing's in the pipeline, but it's a safe bet another horror film remake is not in his future.

'Hollywoodland'

By Ben Spierenburg

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A grandiose, disappointing film, "Hollywoodland" explores the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of George Reeves, an actor who briefly gained stardom in the 50's TV sensation "The Adventures of Superman." A shooting death ruled a suicide by police at the time, first-time director Allen Coulter and first-time screenwriter Paul Bernbaum conspire to convince audiences that Reeves was in fact murdered. While this may sound like the perfect basis for a good murder mystery, a stilted script sabotages the suspense, and in many parts the film just ends up feeling like a cheap imitation of "LA Confidential."

The film is effectively split into two parts, the life and times of George Reeves (Ben Affleck), and the investigation of his demise by private dick Louis Simo (Adrien Brody). The former proves to be far more interesting than the latter. Affleck gives a captivating performance as Reeves, whose struggles with fame he likely found easy to identify with. Making Affleck look even better here is the woefully miscast Brody, whose attempts to breathe life into his character meet with failure throughout. Far too much time is spent developing Brody's clichŽd detective, and the languidly paced investigation half of the film drowsily meanders from one theory to the next, eventually lulling you into a disinterested daze.

Because the majority of the film is so tepid and tedious, Affleck's vibrant portrayal of George Reeves comes as a breathe of fresh air. A textbook leading man type, Reeves' career was marked with unfulfilled expectation. Even after a small part in "Gone With the Wind," the actor struggled to find decent work. Doing everything humanly possible to advance his career, for many years he maintained a love affair with an older woman, Toni (Diane Lane), the wife of powerful and crooked MGM exec Eddie Mannix (Bob Hoskins). But while this mistress supported him financially, even buying him a posh house, she never helped him get work. Eventually, Reeves (who saw himself as a serious actor), begrudgingly took the role of Superman, which would both bring him fame and end his career all at once.

According to "Hollywoodland," after "The Adventures of Superman" was cancelled, Reeves attained a small part in the classic "From Here to Eternity," but was cut from the film because audiences jeered him for being Superman. Distraught and disillusioned, the 45-year-old Reeves dumped Toni Mannix for a stunning young starlet named Leonore Lemmon (Robin Tunney). Out of work a year later and with no prospects (save joining the wrestling circuit), Reeves would be found dead in his room from a gunshot wound to the head, seemingly having committed suicide.

Hired by his mother to investigate, detective Simo uses the power of the press to stir up controversy, suggesting that Reeves was possibly murdered by either Lemmon for money or Eddie Mannix for revenge. However, as the case is still 'unsolved' to this day, Simo ultimately fails to come to any clear conclusions. And while this true Hollywood story might be interesting enough for a documentary, it makes for a rather dissatisfying movie.
Director Allen Coulter does an adequate job, putting in some nice symbolism and trying to add a point of some kind, but still, most of the film drags. Screenwriter Bernbaum has a few lines that get your attention, such as when Lane compares the loss of her taut buttocks to a duffel bag dropping to the floor, but most of the dialogue is hackneyed, especially where Brody is involved.

However, for all its flaws, "Hollywoodland" does have some memorable scenes, most notably one in which Reeves appears at a children's cowboy show and gets a loaded gun pointed at him by a na•ve young fan who wants to see if his hero is actually invincible. There are also solid supporting performances from Lane, Hoskins, and Joe Spano (as MGM publicity man Howard Strickling). Production design values are high, as are cinematography and costume design.

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