By Jim Duncan CVFDude@aol.com

Breakfast recommendations are both the most frequently requested, and short-listed, of all questions about dining in Des Moines. So when the marquee at Billie Joe's advertised "smoke-free" and "wireless Internet," the time appeared right to check out a reader's breakfast tout. It turned out that "smoke-free" applied only to movies shown on Thursday nights. No kidding. Other than that, there's no accommodation for non-smokers because this is a bar, not a restaurant or a theater, and bars are not required to provide non-smoking areas.

Still, it was hard to believe anyone had even bothered to clean up from the night before. Most tables had ashtrays overflowing with dirty butts. We moved a few to another table, found a rag and scrubbed some sticky crap off of our tabletop. By the light from windows, one notices that seat-bottom stalactites dangle from many chairs like snot from a tweaker's nose. Choosing a table that maximized the distance from another where two generations of adults chain-smoked cigarettes while young children sat on their laps, I reminded myself that breakfast came recommended.

Orders took awhile, giving me a chance to soak in the ambiance, which was state of the art of legislatively sanctioned compulsive behaviors. Walls were decorated with fliers, and some gambling- and gun-show posters were upgraded with frames. There were a number of televisions, all showing interactive games of chance. Two counted down the minutes until the next "Texas Hold 'Em" began. Hard rock from the kitchen drowned out the piano jazz on the sound system. A man dressed like a chef played Fortune Makers, Copper Dropper, and Blazing Triple Sevens. Those babies were so busy I felt sorry for the neglected "pull-tab" dispensers on the other side of the room, obsolete investments now that the Iowa Lottery has provided faster, more addictive action.

A banner described breakfast as "the perfect cure for the morning after." And the chicken-fried steak was worth waiting for, crisp breading and tender round came smothered in a decent gravy. Eggs were cooked to order, but the whites were gummy, suggesting they weren't that fresh. The choices in potatoes were interesting: "Old Billlie's" delivered crisp, skin-on browns with green peppers and onions; "Mom's" were Scandinavian style, basic potato pancakes with green peppers and bacon. All were served on nice china, which surely spends sleepless nights wondering how it ended up here.

Armed with the knowledge that so much smoky, chancy action could be had without driving to Tama, I returned for lunch with a wireless Internet fix. Fresh, handmade burgers are hard to find, so it's good to see that BJ's bothers with the extra work. A side salad was served with top-grade vinegar and olive oil, in perhaps the nicest decanter set in town.

If only they worked as hard on their hot-beef sandwiches. One bite was too cold, the next scalded the tongue. These were served on mashed potatoes and covered with something that should never be allowed to impersonate gravy - it smelled like bouillon and blobbed like Jello, holding its form on the bottom of my fork. The breaded-pork tenderloin was much better - both thick and crisp. Fries were standard frozen curly cue mush. Patty melt concepts were extended to bacon, chicken, turkey. As to prices, full steak dinners cost less than $10. And since the place was much cleaner on weekdays, we gave breakfast a second shot, but left as soon as we again encountered the ashtrays from hell.

Food news

Sharon Van Verth is the best local chef no one knows. Transcending politics, she served both Terry Branstad and Tom Vilsack at the governor's mansion. Rare opportunities to sample Van Verth's work will come during "Tea at Terrace Hill," hosted by Christie Vilsack, on the third Monday of each month, except July. $30, 280-3450. CV

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