A bitter single's guide to surviving Valentine's Day

By Erin Randolph

Index

Ch 1 An introduction: where our sympathies lie

Ch 2 I'm good enough, I'm smart enough: treating yourself

Ch 3 Going it alone: alternative ways to celebrate

Ch 4 Last resort: when being alone just isn't acceptable

Ch 5 A conclusion: if all else fails, it's only 24 hours

1 An introduction: where our sympathies lie

Remember when being single on Valentine's Day was fun? Yeah, we don't either. That's the day when singles are made to feel like the pariahs of society, like they should feel guilty for not having to endure a pain-in-the-ass significant other. They've no one to blame for the pee on the seat or the food missing from the fridge. And let's face it: Valentine's Day is for lovers. Period. The rest of us will spend those 24 hours despising the people in our lives who will inevitably make us feel somehow incomplete for being single.

But let's take a moment to explore the greenback underbelly of the third-largest retail holiday of the year. It's estimated that the average consumer will spend nearly $100 this Valentine's Day on gifts for spouses, significant others, family members, coworkers and friends. Some of that budget will go toward the eight billion disgusting, pastel "conversation hearts" that will be made and the 190 million Valentine's Day cards the Greeting Card Association estimates will be exchanged in the United States this year. And that excludes those cutesy cartoon cards handed out in classrooms. After Christmas, Valentine's Day is the second-most-popular card-sending occasion, and is essentially a wet dream for candy makers, greeting card creators and flower shop operators.

So when it comes to parting ways with those bucks, we don't remember when being one-half of a couple was fun on Valentine's Day, either, seeing as how the expectations on this commercial, gift-giving holiday are always built up to such momentous proportions that people - OK, let's be honest here: women - always feel let down. But couples aren't the ones who can't even get a table for one at a restaurant on Valentine's Day; they aren't the ones who can't go to a movie without being bombarded by hand-holding, kissing couples; and they aren't the ones who get a guilt trip imposed on them for living a simpler love life accentuated by battery-operated aids, one-night stands or pure, unadulterated solitude.

So for those who are single this Valentine's Day, we salute you. What follows is a guide to help you drag your ass through the 24 hours of flowers, chocolates, greeting cards and lowered self-esteem.

2 I'm good enough, I'm smart enough: treating yourself

"The holidays are a hard time," says Janella Whiteside, relationship consultant with 2s Company, a matchmaking service in Des Moines. "You can go anywhere and read articles about how hard it is for people to be alone around the holidays."

Though there are many online dating services in Des Moines, 2s Company does absolutely nothing online. Taking a more "old-fashioned" approach, Whiteside helps match up singles through blind dates that are set up at local restaurants - no last names, no photos. Though 2s Company has only been around since October, she's already seen a pick up in business right between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right after New Year's and a little right now, just before Valentine's Day.

"I think there is a lot of pressure from Valentine's Day," Whiteside says. "I've heard people say that they avoid it because of that. Do something you want to do for you, but if you are with someone, then really pay attention to stuff that that person likes. If you want to do something for Valentine's Day, it's going to take some thought. If you're not going to put some thought into it, then it is just another Tuesday."

And since Valentine's Day does fall on a weekday this year, it shouldn't be too hard to treat it like any other Tuesday, perhaps curled up on the couch in the glow of the television.

But then again, there are plenty of self-esteem-boosting activities that one can partake in to help lessen the blow of being alone.

"Do something that makes yourself feel better," Whiteside says. "It's one day. I probably wouldn't suggest going out to a restaurant or to the movies. But go ahead and pamper yourself. If you're a woman, treat yourself to a massage or a spa package. Maybe rent that movie you've been wanting to rent."

Or do whatever it is you've always wanted to do but never made time for, like getting that tattoo of your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend's name removed from that appendage or finally having that bonfire to torch old photographs, love letters and mixed tapes. Or yes, there are more practical indulgences, like the massage or spa package.

Or better yet, obliterate all thinking by organizing an anti-Valentine's Day party with other single friends, and drink yourself straight in to St. Patrick's Day.

3 Going it alone: alternative ways to celebrate

Valentine's Day is teeming with pink and red and lace. Show your disapproval by wearing all black. Create a mix CD of anti-Valentine's Day songs to listen to from your cubicle. Nothing says "stay away" like Guns N Roses' "I Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her," the Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" or the J. Geils Band's "Love Stinks."

And if that isn't enough, band together with other singles and throw an
anti-Valentine's Day party. Spend it watching reruns of "Temptation Island," the low-budget reality show from a few years ago that essentially encouraged rabid cheating as couples' loyalties were tested when they were separated and asked to live among attractive singles. As you watch these couples' relationships crumble under the sexual tension, you'll all be reminded of just how much you're not missing by being in a relationship.

Or better yet, save yourselves the headache of having to endure reality TV by hosting a marathon of films that will either keep your mind far, far from coupledom, or will remind you just how much love can suck, such as ones about cheating ("We Don't Live Here Anymore," "Closer"), inevitable heartache ("Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind") or full-out blood baths ("My Bloody Valentine").

The owners of the Drake-area video rental store Best Place Ever
recommend "Shape of Things," a film starring Paul Rudd, saying, "What starts off as a witty romantic comedy ends up as the most brutal experiment in 'attraction' and 'love' that we've ever seen. Not for anyone with self-confidence issues."

They also recommend "Alexandra's Project," about a middle-management worker going through the motions of his marriage and family life. After receiving a much-sought-after promotion, he returns home not to a celebration he thinks his family may have planned, but instead to an empty house and a tape with a note that says, "play me."

"Anyone lucky enough to have caught both of the January 2005 screenings of this [film] at the Vaudeville Mews that we had, or rented it since, knows what an incredible gut-punch of a film this is," says the Best Place Ever owners. "It's about the complete LOSS of love, and apathy towards anyone who could try and make said love endure. It'll take you days to get the phrase 'cheers dad' out of your head."

But then again, they also recommend "Schindler's List," saying, "If this is your idea of a good 'cuddle up with the loved one and feel good about love and life and bunnies'-type movie, chances are you're a Nazi."

But if the Holocaust and love-lost movies don't suit the mood, take a slightly different approach and watch some offbeat romance films, like "Punch Drunk Love," as recommended by Cityview film critic Dan Vinson.

"See Emily Watson swoon and Adam Sandler swear and break stuff," Vinson says. "P.T. Anderson's extremely offbeat love story breaks more rules than it follows and also features a terrific score, a bizarro Philip Seymour Hoffman and the strangest foreplay banter in recent memory."

We just don't recommend watching "Casablanca," "Gone With the Wind" and "West Side Story," regarded as the top three romantic films of all time, according to the American Film Institute. Unless, of course, you're into wallowing (ladies, we're talking to you).

But if you're not content singing the evils of Valentine's Day, stay home and spend some time catching up on your correspondence with people you haven't seen in a while, Whiteside says.

Or go out on the town. You just might want to avoid restaurants and movie
theaters, as the term "dinner and a movie" has become as ubiquitous in relationships as "it's not you, it's me."

And if all else fails, you can always hire a stripper.

4 Last resort: when being alone just isn't acceptable

Despite the many benefits of being single, there are those who just can't stomach the thought of being alone on Valentine's Day. For those people, we recommend turning to the friends who have always been there for you (and your stomach): Jack Daniels, Ben and Jerry, Mr. Goodbar, Dr. Pepper and Sara Lee. But for those not content with spending time with inanimate objects, there are options for finding a last-minute date.

The first step: determine just what it is you're looking for. Whether it's to get laid, to make an ex jealous, to find a lasting relationship or to avoid the loser tag that comes with sitting at home on a lovers' holiday, there's bound to be another single looking for the same. Then, address those needs accordingly.

If you're looking for a quick-and-easy lay, your best bet may be a bar where other down-and-out singles have banded together for the night with lowered standards and even lower inhibitions. Or, if you're content getting laid in the comfort of your own home, using your broadband and the glow of your monitor, try an Internet chat room. If you're looking for a more lasting relationship, you might try the bookstores, where other singles have perhaps curled into a chair with a good book.
But your best bet, says Whiteside, is to plan ahead instead of cramming at the last minute.

"I don't think Valentine's Day is the day to have a first date with someone," she says. "The day before, perhaps something light and easy, and then if that went very well, then maybe you could schedule something for the next day."

But if a Valentine's Day first date is unavoidable, try an activity with a clear beginning and end, in case your date goes south - and we're not talking about end-of-date athletics.

"Dinner is a good place for conversation, but it also has a beginning and the end," Whiteside says. "If it's not going well, you just have to get through the meal. Don't order dessert. This year, having it be on a Tuesday night, just say you have something to do the next day, that you have an early morning."

Or better yet, stay home, avoid the trouble of having to make up a lame excuse. Instead, make up a story for your single friends about the hot date you've got all lined up. And to make it more believable, send yourself an outrageous bouquet of flowers to your workplace with a fake card expressing undying love from your imaginary beau. Then act embarrassed, blushing and fawning over its enormous size. Nobody has to know you're a loser but you - and perhaps the flower store clerk.

5 A conclusion: if all else fails, it's only 24 hours

Whiteside knows someone who received bad jewelry once for Valentine's Day. It was a hideous earring and necklace set, which ultimately reeked of a last-minute sentiment. The couple broke up shortly after that, and the guy approached his ex, asking for the set back. He actually had the balls to admit that he'd stolen it from his mother, and that he needed to return it to her now that they'd broken up.

It's those kinds of stories that should make people grateful for receiving nothing at all on Valentine's Day.

But if you're into gifts and you haven't got a significant other to give you some, take heed, dear friend, as Valentine's Day only lasts 24 hours. After that, the store shelves will still be overflowing with candy and stuffed animals and other lame plastic trinkets that are only relevant once a year. What this means to you: deep discounts, and perhaps an early start on next year's meaningless Valentine's Day goods.

On top of all that, now that the onslaught of holidays meant to make us feel more alone - Christmas, New Year's and Valentine's Day - are over, you've now got nine months to find someone to spend next year's with. CV

SIDEBARS

An anti-Valentine's Day movie marathon

"All the Real"

"Shape of Things"

"Alexandra's Project"

"Schindler's List"

"Capturing the Friedmans"

"Punch-Drunk Love"

"Out of Sight"

"Down With Love"

"Vertigo"

"Sunset Boulevard"

Sources: Best Place Ever, Cityview film critic Dan Vinson

An anti-Valentine's Day mixed tape:

"Troy" - Sinêad O'Connor
"Kiss Off" - The Violent Femmes
"Love Will Tear Us Apart" - Joy Division
"Prayer to God" - Shellac
"Karma" - Alicia Keys
"I'm Waking Up To Us" - Belle & Sebastian
"Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson
"No Children" - the Mountain Goats
"Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac
"We're Going Wrong" - Cream
"The One I Love" - R.E.M.
"I Hate You" - Frankenixon
"The Gift" - Velvet Underground
"I Want My Baby Back" - Jimmy Cross
"I Put a Spell on You" - Screamin' Jay Hawkins

Sources: Zzz owner Nate Niceswanger and his wife, Erin McBroom

Internet dating sites

Try...

Friendster.com if you're still in grade school.

MySpace.com if you know what Chuck Taylors are.

Match.com if you're paying off a mortgage.

eHarmony.com if appearances aren't that important to you.

GayCupid.com if you're a gay man.

Lesbian-Dating-Services.com if you're a lesbian.