1 Couldn't survive an audit
Richard Hatch, who won $1 million in the first season of the realty TV show "Survivor," will need his skills of continued existence when he goes up river for tax evasion and bilking his so-called charitable organization. Hatch also owes Uncle Sam some $600,000 in back taxes, an amount that will fiscally cripple him, so the three hots and a cot will come in some handy - although being, as David Letterman called him, "The fat, naked guy," in prison might make him more popular than he would like.

2 Finally, something to do
Following a fire-alarm debacle that would have left the crippled to die if the flames had been real, Iowa's Office of Homeland Security has been designated for the task of making sure all of the emergency evacuation plans at the Capitol are coordinated. Who will protect us from Osama while these agents are pushing wheelchairs, however, was not included in the new plan, but at least the agency workers' ongoing card game has been temporarily put to an end.

3 No national respect - still
According to a report in The Onion last week, "Residents of Hainsley, Iowa, voted unanimously to destroy the grain elevator down by the town's railhead because, at over 13 stories tall, the structure's great height was a challenge and an affront to the face of God."

4 Silly media
It's no secret that President George "I know how hard it is to put food on your family" Bush is often "misunderestimated" due to his limited grasp of the English language. However, continuing the condescending trend of deflecting valid criticism by abusing the thesaurus, Bush Administration cronies went on a whirlwind public relations tour last week to convince the American public that, no, eavesdropping on U.S. citizens isn't "domestic spying," it's "terrorist surveillance." Next week: how "breaking the law" is actually "streamlining the judicial process."

5 Oh deer
Seemingly not familiar with the term "wildlife," an elderly rural Iowa couple was viciously attacked late last week by an untamed eight-point buck they apparently had been feeding since it was a fawn.

6 Save the whales
The logic may be best suited for the landfill, but apparently Bill Stowe and the environmentally enlightened folks at Des Moines Public Works think an ongoing study they're conducting proves that if you restrict curbside recycling to "paper only," pick it up only once a month and make already-apathetic residents schlep all their other recyclables to a drop-off site, the city can save some money and "increase" recycling. Adding to the baffling logic, Stowe suggested that we all suspend our disbelief and "forget about the environmentalists saying we're not saving the whales." What?

7 Hitting the books
With education heralded as a key issue for the 2006 session, the Iowa House turned in their homework last week, passing a bill 99-0 that increases state aide to public schools by 4 percent. But, now headed to the Senate, the bill will face stiff debate as Democrats insist a 6 percent increase is needed. Kids, can you spell "showdown"?

8 Two for one
Not two months after canning the previous manager when year-end numbers weren't up to county officials' expectations, the Iowa Events Center brought in two new managers last week. Just 28 years old, General Manager Matthew Homan will be charged with attracting more big-name entertainment acts to Wells Fargo Arena, while 45-year-old Scott Kavanaugh works to stem the financial losses from Hy-Vee Hall and the Polk County Convention Complex.

9 Undervalued
Roosevelt high school student Mike French, a fine-looking, young white male, was briefly kidnapped last week, before being released unharmed when his girlfriend's mother paid a $100 ransom. The captors, quite obviously, know nothing about the black market, although French is a wrestler and likely not to be messed with.

10 Chet Vander Who?
According to The Register's most recent Iowa Poll, the bulk of state residents are in the dark when it comes to the Iowa's gubernatorial hopefuls, with barely a majority knowing enough about eight-term U.S. Rep. Jim Nussle to so much as hazard a thumbs up or thumbs down opinion on his Republican bid and a full 89 percent having absolutely no idea who the heck Democratic hopeful Sal Mohamed is. CV

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