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New Central Library asks:

Do you think I'm sexy?

Until lately, I was relieved that tornadoes rarely form where two rivers cross. However, the realization that the new downtown library is nearly immune to such a natural disaster is somewhat disturbing.

From the beginning, many thought building a $32 million library was a bit like constructing a state-of-the-art livery stable a decade or two after the advent of the automobile. In our information age, the idea lacks horse sense. But it's the design that has elicited the most controversy. And some think that whoever decided on David Chipperfield's self-described "grass-topped amoebae" concept must have been blind.

It's not that Chipperfield's architectural style doesn't lend itself to public use. In fact, in judging the library, the world-renown architect should submit plans for the state's next maximum-security facility. His library design seems to have captured the desired ambiance for such a structure. The library grounds have yet to be completed, obviously, but the addition of razor wire and guard towers should complement the design nicely. And there is always a chance that the foreboding exterior may intimidate the potential pedophile or homeless person as effectively as it does the average pedestrian. Then again, the design makes sense when you realize far more effort was made to please the subsidized suits who look down onto the grassy roof than the thousands of commuters that pass by the butt-ugly bunker daily.

So now what? Well, since it is unlikely Mother Nature will wipe this embarrassment from the landscape (if you can call the Western Gateway a landscape), some hope lies in the discovery of an engineering blunder on the scale of the Wallace State Office Building. But that could take decades to materialize.

There is always re-gifting. We could pass it on like fruitcake. New Orleans could use a new building, I'm sure. But, of course, re-gifting implies the library was a gift to begin with. And given the tens of millions of dollars taxpayers are contributing to this train wreck, it can hardly be considered a gift. Oh, and speaking of fruitcakes, no doubt the terminally chic making the rounds on the wine-and-cheese circuit will speak of how this type of daring architecture will put Des Moines on the map and make us stand out.

And maybe they're right. Get the boys from "Queer Eye" to warm up the place a little, and the building would make a great headquarters for Dr. Evil in the next Austin Powers movie: "The Architect Who Shagged Me."

But any way you look at it we're still left with any number of questions about this new downtown gem:

-- Will our city be the first to have its grassy knoll on the book depository?

-- Are they going to put on the graffiti from the start, or just wait and let it occur naturally?

-- Is a grass roof what they mean by "cutting edge"?

-- Does anyone think that the AIB building was less attractive than this?

-- Can they plant crops on the roof?

-- Can they put the roof in crop set aside to help cover overhead? What do we do about fertilizer runoff?

-- Will Parks and Rec mow it? Does Parks and Rec mow anything now?

-- Do you call True-Green or Reliable Roofing if there is a leak?

-- Are moles better than termites?

-- Can we cross-country ski on the roof during the six months of the year there is no grass?

-- Rainforest/ library... see the synergy?

-- Is it just me, or do you like the way it is so well integrated with the Temple, too? (Mr. Chipperfield, tear down that wall!)

On Feb. 4, the old Beaux Arts riverfront library will close forever. After completion of a faux-bidding process, the city will soon hand the keys over to Ruan's World Food Prize organization. On April 8, a week after April Fool's Day, and a week before tax day, the new library celebrates with a grand opening. The theme is: OPEN DOORS, OPEN MINDS, OPEN BOOKS. Checkbooks, that is. The operating and maintenance expenses have yet to be determined, but in a few months we should know just how well copper mesh glass withstands small-caliber arms fire and if the grass roof survives spring monsoons.

It's true that my thoughts often run contrary to those who lack horse sense, which may explain why I'm sometimes labeled a "neighsayer." So label me as such if you must, but I just don't find the new Des Moines Central Library particularly shagalicious. CV

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