Husband's sexual secrets suggest deeper problems

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece's face onto the girl in the picture. I then went through my husband's things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year. I no longer feel comfortable with him physically, and I don't care if we get divorced. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem? We have a son who is almost 4. Is divorce easier when the children are smaller, since they won't remember as much? Please help me. I just don't know what to do. -GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Divorce? Your husband is just trying to express himself. Ever hear of the seven-year itch? He's just scratching his - while looking at supped-up pictures of your niece. My advice: play along. Most wives would give their left nipple to get paid so much attention. And while he's probably thinking of someone else while giving it to you, that's what we call being married. I mean, with all of your whining you're lucky he's around at all.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From day one, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. She is never home. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us. I have caught her cheating three times. For 19 years, I have sat back and taken it. Well, I'm sick of it. Please tell me what to do. -TIRED OF BEING ALONE, NEWBERRY, S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Nineteen years? It didn't take my good friend Andy Dufresne that long to dig out of Shawshank. This is nobody's fault but yours. Leave her and try to salvage a little dignity, although your kids have to think you are the biggest pussy who ever lived.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my soulmate and best friend, "Herbert," for a year and a half. There's only one downside to our marriage. Herbert speaks horribly about himself several times a day. It began after our wedding and used to be limited to bill-paying time. But over the last few months, he has been doing it several times a day. He says he's a bad provider. (He's not! We're no worse off than millions of other newlywed couples.) He says he's ugly. (Again, he isn't. I find him very attractive.) He says he is lazy and that I married someone who, "if it weren't for bad luck, would have no luck at all." The list goes on and on. At first, I'd disagree, but recently I have gone from arguing with him to suggesting counseling. Of course, Herbert will have none of that. He says we can't afford counseling, which brings on another round of his opinion that he's worthless. Abby, it's exhausting to defend someone who constantly attacks himself. What are my options here? I adore Herbert, but it would be nice to be able to talk about something other than, "No, you're not worthless. No, you're not a bad provider." Please don't reveal my name or location. If he knows I've written to you, he'll start it again. Help! -GOING MAD IN THE SOUTHEAST

DEAR GOING: Ask yourself this question: Can we afford razor blades? If the answer is "no," load up on some cheap term-life insurance, have Herbert start the car and keep the garage door down. You don't need help. You need a fatal "accident," because this tub of worthless shit is never going to be anything more than a painful pebble in your shoe.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 43-year-old gay male who has always wanted to be a father. Last night I informed my parents about my decision to adopt a boy who is 7. My parents reacted as if I'd walked in and told them that I had murdered someone. My mother said she was disgusted and became almost physically ill. My father was less dramatic but no less displeased. I have no past history that would cause them to react this way, nor do I have any criminal past (or present) that would cause them to react so vehemently against adoption. I don't understand what their problem is. My parents are considerably older. So I am wondering if there is something I am not aware of from the World War II era that would cause my folks to be so opposed to adoption? I'd appreciate some advice as I navigate this difficult time. -TAKEN ABACK IN GEORGIA

DEAR TAKEN: A gay man adopting a child. What's next, letting black people vote? Only kidding. Yes, there is something from the WWII era that would cause your folks to be so opposed to adoption. It's called growing up in the WWII era. You liking pole is probably hard enough for them to choke down as it is, but I'm guessing they can't get it out of their collective, intolerant head that junior would likely only serve as your cocktail weenie. My advice: Agree to disagree, do what's best for you and, most importantly, have fun with your new toy. They'll be dead soon anyway. CV

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