fences make good neighbors
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are
child-free 30-somethings who own
a home with a yard and no fence.
Our house and yard are a sanctuary
from our hectic professional lives.
Lately, the neighbor's cat has
been using our yard as a place
to recline, and it hisses at me
angrily when I tell it to go home.
I'm not fond of cats, and I'm
actually afraid of this one. Also,
another neighbor and his kids
have been using our yard as a
thoroughfare from the property
behind us to their own yard, which
has a fence. I don't go into other
people's yards. I respect the
space of other people. I expect
that respect in return, and don't
want people tramping through our
yard. We plan to plant more flower
beds in the future, and they will
be in the way of their path. Am
I curmudgeonly to feel this way,
or should other people respect
our privacy and property? -ENCROACHED
UPON IN FLORIDA
DEAR ENCROACHED: I suggest a
three-point plan. First, get a
very big dog and teach it to poo
in your neighbor's yard. Second,
start sunbathing nude. And third,
every time your other neighbors
cut through, start bending over
DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to an
otherwise great guy I'll call
"Wayne," who has a bad
habit. He calls me by his ex-wife's
name. The first couple of times
it happened, I called it a mistake.
But now it happens habitually,
and I'm at my wit's end. Wayne
says I should be more forgiving
because they were married a long
time and have kids together. But
they have been apart almost five
years, and his ex has remarried.
He dated other women before me,
so her name should be out of his
vocabulary by now. Wayne claims
this also happened with the other
women he dated, and they didn't
make such a big fuss. He blames
it on my insecurities. Abby, am
I making too big a deal of this,
or am I entitled to my feelings?
What do you think? -WHAT'S IN
A NAME? RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR WHAT'S: Start calling him
by someone else's name, all the
time, especially during sex. Then
tell him you were dating that
person for a long time and you
can't get over what a fantastic
fuck he was and that your new
fiance shouldn't make such
a fuss and be "more forgiving,"
which your other boyfriend's cock
certainly was not.
DEAR ABBY: Last week, my 1-year-old
son, "Tommy," crawled
up on the couch where his father,
"Monte," was resting.
Tommy smacked his daddy in the
face with a toy. Monte slapped
Tommy back so hard he left a welt
on his face. I grabbed the baby
and said some things I perhaps
shouldn't have. Monte got so mad
at me that he threw me on the
couch and began choking me. A
neighbor called Monte's father,
"Lyle," to the house.
Lyle asked what happened. When
I told him Monte had slapped Tommy
in the face, Monte called me a
liar. Then Lyle turned around
and came after me, cornering me
in the kitchen. He got in my face
and screamed that I was at fault
for Monte losing his temper. He
said it was because of my "nagging."
I was cornered three times. Each
time I tried to move away, he'd
start up again. Monte just stood
there and watched me holding the
baby and getting screamed at.
He didn't lift a finger to defend
me. I am so hurt. It's one thing
to have a fight with my husband,
but his father had no place getting
in my face. Monte said his dad
was trying to prove a point -
that a person can only take so
much. Monte said he patted his
father on the back for what he
did. I am no longer talking to
his father. Please help me. I
am desperate for guidance. -SHAKING
DEAR SHAKING: Leave him.
DEAR ABBY: "Homer"
and I have been married for more
than 40 years. Last year he started
sneaking around with "Mary,"
his girlfriend from high school
who lives out of town. She came
into town for a visit last year.
This year, on the very same weekend,
he went there. Last year Mary
told Homer he should divorce me
and marry her. (She has buried
two husbands already.) I spoke
with Mary, and she told me that
what the two of them have is "Untouchable!
No one can touch it!" But
he's still living here. Homer
keeps saying he's going to leave
because Mary is a Christian woman.
Abby, Homer doesn't even go to
church. I do! It doesn't seem
Christian to me to run around
with a married man. Mary is promising
him a lot of material things,
like a big-screen TV, a recliner
and two cars. He keeps coming
home with things Mary has bought
him: a watch, cuff links, a pair
of shoes, a wallet, sweater and
pants. Is she trying to buy his
love? -LOYAL WIFE, MIAMI GARDENS,
DEAR LOYAL: OK, first of all,
you're an idiot. You are having
conversations with your husband
about the woman he wants to leave
you for, and having conversations
with her, as well, regarding their
relationship, which she says is
"untouchable." Is she
trying to buy his love? Is that
what you're concerned about? That
she can one up you with cuff links?
Honey, some other broad is playing
stinky pinky with Homer and giving
him the "dough!" A new
recliner is really beside the
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