Our annual look at where to best imbibe in Central Iowa

We're all about getting you wasted this summer - piss-the-bed, puke-over-the-balcony, writhe-on-top-of-the-bar kind of drunk - the caliber of drunkenness that prompts morning-after pledges to give up the bottle. In this heat, it's about all we can do. And luckily, Des Moines and its suburbs have their share of watering holes to help us get our fix, with each one different in its own special way. Be it for a game of stick, a chance at getting lucky, the cheapest drinks or where to go to get the fantastic bar eats, Central Iowa has it all when it comes to getting good and schnockered. And in a lame attempt to categorize them, we took a (very unscientific) poll, using some of this town's most experienced drinkers so as to hopefully lead you to water, or rather, in this case, just make you drink. Our Big Ass Bar Guide is your ultimate source for valuable information for tying one on. Keep it on your coffee table or liquor cabinet as a guide - or use it to challenge yourself to see how many of the spots you can hit before summer's end. But most important, imbibe like the champs we know you are. Here's to you, Des Moines.

We'll see you out.

For Watching Civic Leaders Tie One On

Nothing says the legislative session is over like some over-served state senator with a junior staffer pinned against the railing on the patio at Wellman's (or pinned down in his car). Just wave the cigarette smoke out of your face being blown by these non-tobacco-tax-passing motherfuckers and the glitterati will shine like the tin siding of a factory farm. As much a tradition as doing absolutely nothing for the citizenry, spotting civic leaders imbibing and politicking can be great fun and educational (OK, everything they say is bullshit - but at least they believe it). And although in recent years The Governor's Lounge at the downtown Quality Inn has become a favorite of Democrats while Fratello's has become a favorite of Republicans, if you want to see a whole mess of them at once, Wellman's is the place. Unless we're talking Beaverdale Fall Festival, then it's all about Tom Vlassis double-fisting in the Christopher's parking lot.

- Wellman's

- Fratello's

- Mezzodi's

- Christopher's

- Skips

For a Smokers' Delight

Mmm, there's nothing quite like two lungs full of thick secondhand smoke. And when it comes to bathing in clouds of cigarette exhaust, we're told nothing beats the Royal Mile and its upstairs neighbor, the Red Monk. Apparently the British-bar loving patrons really like to light up while sucking down the Mile's impressive array of imported beers. Quit smoking but wish you hadn't? Head to Blues on Grand or Cabaret and suck down a few packs by merely breathing. It's places like these that probably prompted the invention of Febreeze, seeing as how your clothing will smell like you've been chain smoking in a phone booth for a few good hours upon leaving them.

- Royal Mile

- Blues on Grand

- Bradley's

- Cabaret Lounge

- Front Row

For a Nooner

Looking for some liquor with your lunch? Hell, are you looking to drink your lunch? Visit the High Life Lounge. With the blue-collar feel of the place, you'll feel right at home popping the cap on your Miller High Life, bellying up to the bar and ordering a Spam sandwich. (OK, so maybe not the Spam part.) With the dècor, you'll feel as though you're drinking in someone's basement. For the full effect, take in a game of Silverstrike Bowling. And if going to a place that doesn't carry beer that wasn't available before the mid-'60s doesn't sound appealing to you, then head over to the Waveland for some nice dive action, or to the Hessen Haus for a German bier hall experience. Don't the Germans drink beer with every meal anyway?

- High Life Lounge

- Waveland

- Hessen Haus

- Fifth Street Pub

For Blowing a Bundle

Hey, moneybags, we know you sold plasma or sperm or whatever in order to look as if you're something special, while all the while paying the monthly minimum on your six credit cards, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do (women, if they're smart, drink for free) in order to look like a big fish in this small pond of ours. And if that wad in your pocket is actually money, the best place to blow it in town is at any of the places we've listed below. Who knows, you may even meet someone of importance who can kick open a door or two for you. Or, god forbid, get some ass. Each is distinct in its own certain way. 801 is perfect for quiet cocktails, as is our favorite, Splash. Aura and Crush are where the beautiful people you'll never score with hang out way after you've gone to bed. Taki brings sushi into the equation along with huge martinis and great Saki. And although we're not sure why so many of those polled chose Mondo's, according to our Food Dude, Jim Duncan, the place is slowly but surely freeing itself from the tight grasp of mediocrity following the massacre when Jordan Creek hit town.

- Aura

- Mondo's

- Taki

- Crush

- 801

- Splash

For Great Glasses of Wine

Sick of the sludge, the hangover and your roiling rot gut? Looking for a change of pace? Looking to get away from the regular make-your-ears-bleed scene to something nice and quiet? Perhaps then, it's time for something in the way of a little sophistication. And if you don't want to break the bank doing it, check out 25th Street Cafè (formerly Varsity). "We feature one of every common varietals (six different reds, seven whites) by the glass and 80 to 100 different labels by the bottle," says owner Enosh Kelly, who pulls double duty running Bistro Montage, which many feel to be Central Iowa's finest restaurant. And, as one of those polled told us, "The size of the bar and the setting is perfect. So is the food." It's a sentiment that is shared by small places like Mosaix, Sage and the new joint, The Continental. 801 Steak & Chophouse, which was a selection in a number of our categories, is a 10-year winner of the Wine Spectator Award of Excellence, and if you want to blow your brains out, might we recommend the '82 Chateau Mouton Rothschild with a price tag of $2,000?

- 25th Street Cafè

- Sage

- The Continental

- Mosaix

- 43

- 801 Steak & Chophouse

For Karaoke

There are times that, after a few too many pulls on the whiskey bottle, getting up in front of a crowd and singing Aerosmith's "Don't Want to Miss a Thing" might sound like a good idea. (Warning: your friends will not prevent you from making a fool of yourself during these times. They will merely be on hand to giggle from their seats and take incriminating photographs of you doing Creed-like poses while belting out the high notes.) For these times, visit Billy Joe's, the ultimate locale for those humiliating karaoke moments. And if you're planning to get karaoke-caliber drunk, Billy Joe's has free cab service, allowing you just enough time to sober up on the way home and realize how bad you've just butchered "Total Eclipse of the Heart." But take heart, dear drinker, and thank your friends for not advising you against your poor song choice, because payback's a bitch.

- Billy Joe's

- The Garden

- Okoboji Bar and Grill

- House of Bricks

For Dancing

Even non-dancers dance at the Garden. Trust us. We've tested this theory many a time after a few too many drinks at the popular gay and lesbian nightclub. There's something about the large-ass dance floor, strobe lights and techno music that gets us off our bar stools and grinding to the beat. And if you're looking for a place to move that's so packed nobody will notice you've got no rhythm, visit The Loft. That place gets so stacked up that what looks like dancing is really just people bumping into one another, trying to create enough room to breathe. And of course, if you're into line dancing to hip hop songs (we're not kidding, though the bar also plays country), visit Miss Kitty's. We'll bet you've never seen so many cowboys hip to Nelly.

- The Garden

- The Loft

- Miss Kitty's

For Getting Laid

Oh, the inevitable beer goggles. There's nothing like reaching the point in the night where you've had enough alcohol to think, "Gee, his mullet almost looks good in this light." Alcohol has a way of fueling the libido, and for those nights when you're itching to hook up, we've heard Denny Arthur's is the place to be for those 30 and up. Teeming with divorcees eager to reignite their sex lives, Denny Arthur's pulls in an array of "experienced" people who could teach you a thing or two between the sheets, or perhaps in the bathroom stall, if you don't make it that far. For the younger crowd looking for some action, visit Drink. They don't call it "the original fun bar" for nothing. Among the beautiful people who frequent the trendy suburban bar, there must be at least one willing to lift her skirt or unzip his fly. Just remember to crawl out of bed and sneak away before the sun comes up and you're forced to do the ever-degrading walk of shame.

- Denny Arthurs

- Drink

- Crush

- Aura

- Envy

For Playing the Waiting Game

Are you kidding me? An hour until we can sit down? Good god. And although you bitch and moan, you know damn well you're not going anywhere. The food's far too good - not to mention, at these spots, the bar is on the same level - be it cocktails, wine or beer in a frosty mug. So pull up a stool, or at least let your lady sit down, you yard ape, and play the waiting game. On a recent Friday night, Sam & Gabe's was a mere 90 minutes, same at Waterfront, and Christopher's was only an hour while Tursi's Latin King, if you show up on Friday, may be able to seat you a week from the following Monday.

- Sam & Gabe's

- Trostel's Greenbriar

- Tursi's Latin King

- Christopher's

- Waterfront

For the Early Morning Set

Anybody can drink his or her lunch, but drinking your breakfast either means you need to pack up the minivan and head north to Hazelden or you are hung way the hell over. Ask Cityview editor Jon Gaskell, who, as the story goes, wound up across the street from his East Village digs at the Locust Street Tap at 6:15 a.m. on a random Friday morning, red-eyed and reeking after a night of god-only-knows what. Committed to a charity golf event, though, Gaskell ignored that which ailed him and sucked down a screwdriver before quickly ordering another. "I jokingly asked the bartender if I was his first customer of the day," Gaskell tells us. "He shook his head and pointed to the other end of the bar at a guy who was walking out of the men's room and sucking down a Red. I needed to have a talk with myself."

- Locust Street Tap

- Just T's

- Highland Park Country Club

- Broadway Lounge

For the Cheapest drinks

Are your pants too tight to fit much cash in there? No worries. There are places in Des Moines that will allow you to leave the wad at home and drink on a minimal budget. Take, for example, Razamatazz. Several nights a week, for a small cover, patrons can drink draws and a selection of wells - free. Sure, the cups are rather small, but if you stock up early and keep the rounds coming, you'll be buzzing in no time at all. With all that money left in your wallet, you can head to Prairie Meadows. Not to gamble it away, but for the cheap drinks our pollsters say exist in the casino's lounge. And Denny Arthur's, the 30-and-over meat market over on the West Side, has $1.75 domestic draws.

- Razamatazz

- Prairie Meadows

- Denny Arthur's

- Cooney's Tavern

For Boat Gas

801 Steak & Chophouse General Manager and Sommelier Sheri Osborn says James Bond isn't just being a prick when he orders his martinis shaken, not stirred. "We shake them really hard, too - 50 to 60 times - and it makes all the difference in the world." How so? Shaking a martini so decidedly in a steel cup of ice before pouring it makes it so cold that a thin layer of ice forms over the top of 801's oversized martini glasses. "You sip a martini," she says. "You don't slam it. And with this technique, it stays cool for a good 20 to 30 minutes. 801 has 30 or 40 martinis on its formal martini list, but they'll do anything - after hours martinis or fu-fu martinis like Cosmopolitans. The 801 Special, half Bombay Safire, half Ketel One vodka with a hand-stuffed Maytag Blue Cheese Olive, is the house specialty, and is one reason 801 stood out as our pollsters' favorite place to suck down these sophisticated concoctions.

- 801 Steak & Chophouse

- Aura

- Taki

- The Lift

- Cosmopolitan Lounge

For People Better Looking Than You

Not feeling bad enough about your appearance as it is? Head to Crush, where you're sure to feel even worse after taking a gander at the beautiful people who flock there. Admiring a little too much you in the mirror lately? Again, head to Crush, where your head is guaranteed to deflate upon entering the establishment. Crush, Aura and Drink have made names for themselves as being the places to be if you're young and gorgeous (Envy is trying to make it as downtown's version). With an unwritten dress code and doormen with the authority to turn you down based purely on their opinion of your appearance, these trendy bars have found a way to ensure you're hanging out among some of the best-dressed twentysomethings in town.

- Crush

- Drink

- Aura

- Envy

For the Jukebox

In 1889, Louis Glass and William S. Arnold placed a coin-operated Edison cylinder phonograph in the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco. The machine had no amplification and patrons had to listen to the music using one of four listening tubes. But in its first six months of service, the Nickel-in-the-Slot earned more than $1,000. Now fast forward to Ingersoll Avenue in Des Moines in 2005 at the world famous Yacht Club, where our crack team of imbibers determined the best jukebox in Des Moines sits. A CD-player jukebox, the Yacht Club limits its selections to '60s, '70s and '80s music, bypassing all things current. And therein, we're guessing, lies the secret.

- Yacht Club

- Waveland

- Red Monk

- The Royal Mile

For Hot Tittie Action

Let's face it, sometimes you've got to pay for it - or, in the case of this category, pay to get close to it. And if you want to see it all, stink stars and muffins included, you also have to bring your own booze, like at Big Earl's, Minx Show Palace (which doubles as a toy store) and The Lumber Yard. Why? Fucking government, dude. The man. But it's all good - basically. Because there are options for those of you who don't want to carry around a cooler, like The Outer Limits and Beach Girls. And though hardcore strip club aficionados don't exactly think of Central Iowa when they're thinking of getting a pair rubbed in their mugs, and though when asked if the girls are hot at Minx Show Palace the person who answered the phone said, "I guess they're OK," the shows these ladies put on can be hotter than a whore's ass on nickel night.

- The Outer Limits

- Big Earl's

- Beach Girls

- The Lumber Yard

- Minx Show Palace

For a Game of Stick

Any number of bars has a pool table (Greenwood) or maybe even a couple tables (Drink), but when it comes time to shoot some serious stick, no one in the metro even comes close to touching The Raccoon River Brewing Co. (a landslide victor in our unscientific poll). Raccoon, which has some of the finest pub grub, brew and live entertainment in town, features a second-floor pool hall with seven tables, available to rent by the hour; and on Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. and Mondays from 4 p.m. to close, use of the pool tables is free. Just get there early.

- Raccoon River

- Drink

- Greenwood Lounge

- Shooter's Hideaway

- Rack n Roll

For Bathrooms Where You Can Eat Off the Floor

Time to break the seal? The bathrooms at Crush are so clean that you pour a shot on the floor and lap it up with your tongue. While we don't recommend doing that, we do recommend visiting - if only for the women's bathrooms. While unoccupied, everyone in the establishment can see inside - toilet, sink, everything. But when the door is locked, the glass doors fog over, with only silhouettes visible to the outside viewer. We challenge the voyeurs to (oops) forget to lock the door. If you're looking for a lower-key establishment with immaculate pissing facilities, visit the Cosmopolitan Lounge in the Suites at 800 Locust, or 801 Grand, which features urinal ice.

- Crush

- Cosmopolitan Lounge

- 801 Grand

- Aura

For Bathrooms Where You Shouldn't Step on the Floor

There are just some places that you should not wait until the last minute to piss, unless, of course, you're a master at hovering above the bowl. When it comes to disgusting bathrooms, we recommend allowing a little extra time to line the bowl with toilet paper, OCD-style. With strange gunk growing out of the sink, a toilet lid decorated with beads of dried pee and a floater still left in the bowl from the person before you, there's nothing quite like the experience of attempting to release used beer in a disgusting bar restroom. Taking the top honor in our (again, unscientific) poll is the Waveland, whose women's bathroom is so small that it's difficult to get in, turn around and plant your ass on the seat without sideswiping one of the grimy walls. Yum. Might we recommend that you take sanitary wipes along with you?

- Waveland

- The Garden

- Alpine

- Twisted Parrot

For Gay Clubs

The Garden isn't just the best gay club in Des Moines. It's the best club - period. That said, though, it's the ultimate location for the gay and lesbian sects looking to hook up for a night, spend the night sweating through their clothing on the massive dance floor or taking in a drag queen show. Coming in a close second, though, is the Blazing Saddle, which won numerous Best Of awards from Cityview this past year. If for no other reason, go to the Saddle for a mixed drink. We're told there's never any reason to order a double there; all of the bar's mixed drinks are doubles. Now that's our kind of place.

- The Garden

- Blazing Saddle

- FACES

- Frathouse

- Diesel

For Low-Key Drinks

Believe it or not, there are times when we don't want our beer expensive, our company ridiculously good-looking or our bathrooms covered in green and yellow goo. For those times, we recommend hitting Mickey's, Limey's, Zimms or Sully's. These bars have put the focus back on what matters most: the alcohol. Forget about busting out awkward dance moves, leaving your hooded sweatshirt at home or hanging out with the elderly, head to these neighborhood bars for drinks and conversation - and perhaps the occasional game of pool. While there's nothing fancy to be had here, it's still a place to get drunk, which is the ultimate goal, no?

- Mickey's

- Limey's

- Zimms

- Sully's

For an Elephant Graveyard

To say things ever really get hopping at the lounge at Noah's Ark on Ingersoll Avenue might be a bit of an overstatement. A staple since 1946, bartender Linda Starcevich says Noah's is a place for well-dressed, senior citizen regulars - some of whom, due to the combination of a wooden leg, experience and age, find it somewhat challenging to navigate toward the revolving doors upon departure. And while Pal Joey's clientele seems to get older as the bar does, and Mezzodi's has an eerie looking Madam Tussuad's wax-museum-like figure of former senate majority leader Jack Rife, who smokes and carries on with other members of the good old boy's club, Noah's (sometimes called Scottish Rite South) cannot be beat when it comes to serving the city's elite elderly. Colostomy bags optional.

- Noah's

- Pal Joey's

- Jesse's Embers on Ingersoll

- Mezzodi's

For Kegs & Eggs

A few of these joints are Sunday brunch only (a category whose title belongs to 25th Street Cafè's five-star spread), while others only serve a day or two a week, but when it comes to an honest-to-God, to-die-for breakfast, look no further than Sunday mornings at The Front Row on University Avenue in Windsor Heights. The fare isn't spectacular. However, it is free and it'll stick to your ribs. Everything from waffles to biscuits and gravy to made-to-order omelets are served up and the booze, with an emphasis on Bloody Mary's with all the fixin's, is reasonably priced. Jimmy's is making a huge comeback food-wise and Highland Park and Flannagan's have mad game, but when it's free, well shit, now we're talkin'.

- The Front Row

- Flanagan's

- Highland Park Country Club

- Mondo's

- Jimmy's

For Stumble Bums & Sterno Chuggers

Are those your dentures in my drink or are you just happy to see me? At a few of the joints listed below it could go either way. But since the seemingly affectionate term "dive" is no longer fashionable (we were read the riot act when we dared refer to The Yacht Club on Ingersoll as such), we had to instead focus on the places where our select group of drinkers has seen people at their absolute fucked-up best. Obviously, wherever one finds adult beverages, one will find drunkenness. But when it comes to head on the bar, drunk slow dancing and loud profane promises in a more down-to-earth locale (OK, below it), then look no further.

- Hairy Mary's

- Carl's

- Kelly's

- Park Avenue Pub

- Greenwood Lounge

- Yacht Club

For Choppers

There are lots of leathery women in biker bars - and we're not talking about clothing. That said, there's also generally a large selection of baldheads and studded belts. Or maybe those are all clichès encouraged by movies. Regardless, if you're looking for a place to park your motorcycle or are looking for someone to take you for a ride, our pollsters say GT and Charlie's Filling Station are the prime locations. Or head to Kung Fu Tap & Taco for, you guessed it, tacos and alcohol. What the correlation is between kung fu, tacos and bikers is, we're not sure. But if you find out, let us know.

- GT

- Charlie's Filling Station

- Kung Fu Tap & Taco

- Lucky's

For Chow Time

Francie's used to have the best cheese sticks in North America. Why they are no longer on the menu is a mystery as great as where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. But we quibble. Because when it comes to dining in a bar atmosphere, Francie's is, top to bottom, the best gig in town. The Philly Chicken is among the city's best sandwiches, as are the burgers and the Kansas City Steak Soup - for which Francie's has been known to receive bomb threats when not serving. However, the real star at Francie's is the wings, by far the best in Central Iowa. For a little more high-class fare, hit Court Avenue Restaurant & Brew Co. For nachos, hit The Library. For pizza, hit Orlondo's. And for a Monday Night steak-and-potato blowout, hit Kelley's. But for a can't-miss menu no matter what you're in the mood for, our critics say Francie's.

- Francie's

- Buzzard Billy's

- The Royal Mile

- The Library

- Court Avenue Restaurant & Brew Co.

- Orlondo's

- Kelley's

For the Big Game

We literally received so many different answers to this question that we had to query a second time to come up with the top picks for where people like to go to watch the big game. If you want to check out hot cooze during timeouts, Hooters is the call. If you want a well polished suburban, flat-screen every which way you turn, Autograph's, Third Base and Champps are the call. But for the game that your team just has to win, Pal Joey's is the only place. Granted, it's shut down like Fort Knox on Sundays, but Iowa is a college-game state anyway. And Saturdays during football season, Pal Joey's isn't afraid to lay down free grub, including some of the best sausage sandwiches in town. Wellman's, as with so many categories, finished in the top two.

- Down Under

- Pal Joey's

- Wellman's

- Autographs

- Hooters

- Champps

For the Patio

While Jimmy Buffet night and the live music scene on the patio at Jimmy's American Cafè (with the all new Jimmy, James Foreman, running the show) continue to get stronger, Wellman's and Mickey's are always packed, and you're nobody if you didn't hit Charlie's Filling Station for their recent 30th anniversary party, it's still a matter of fact that nobody does patio like Tom Baldwin does patio at Drink. The original fun bar with a solid spread inside, Drink's patio is where the real action is. A separate bar, cover for inclement weather and tons of seating, when the Iowa weather is being kind, there is no better place to soak it all in than Drink. And, as one of those we polled said, "It's also where the hottest chicks in town hang out." Word, dude. Word. CV

- Drink

- Jimmy's American Cafè

- Wellman's

- Charlie's Filling Station

- Mickey's

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