If we can’t stop our nation’s kids from ballooning
toward adult-onset diabetes with their generational
vacuuming of fast-food fries, bulging burgers
and caloric-choked, syrupy sodas, then how can
we straight-face them with preachings about
abstinence-only on the topic of pre-marital
It’s one thing to back away from a Big Mac but
quite another for young people to have the mental
reins to keep all hands north of the physiologic
Mason Dixon line in romantic situations.
He who doesn’t have the self-discipline to decline
the value meal could very well be the same self-indulgent
cad on prom night.
For the record, I should first come clean and
say I have some discomfort with this issue of
pre-marital abstinence because if this adoptee’s
biological parents in eastern Iowa in the late
1960s would have listened completely to their
church sermons rather than succumbing to a head-rush
of hormones, the world would have one fewer
bastard — said bastard being me, of course.
On the other hand, perhaps believing they were
in full control of their overheating holiday-time
sex drives following the viewing of an after-school
TV special or readings of pamphlets on premarital
sex, my teen progenitors may have gone out for
an evening’s fun fully intent on abstinence,
and therefore found themselves stunningly ill-prepared
for the spontaneous sort of amour that led to
the conception of your columnist.
We are often advised by the pious, as well as
most recovering drug addicts and Bob Vander
Plaats, to despise the sin but love the sinner.
Where my biological mom and pop are concerned,
I don’t know the sinners, but I owe my life
to their sin.
All of this being said, as a society we really
don’t need more bastards walking around writing
newspaper columns, selling cocaine and engaging
in high-seas piracy, historically, the three
most common professions for the illegitimate.
We must now, as Vander Plaats and U.S. Rep.
Steve King and other public Christians suggest,
promote abstinence as the surest way to reduce
It is time for national sexual self-restraint.
And that’s why it was so fantastically heartening
to find a website, www.straight-talk.com, that
is devoted to abstinence and virginity before
marriage — although I’m more than a little lost
on their concept of a “second virginity.”
Happily, straight-talk.com offers “creative
dating ideas” for couples to keep them from
Take a minute and grab a pen so you can get
down some notes. Here are some “straight talk”
examples of what to do on dates:
“Blow soap bubbles from your balcony;”
“Teach your dog a new trick;”
“Have a bubble-gum chewing contest;”
“Dedicate a song on the radio;”
“Skip rocks across still waters” (apparently
doing this with rapids borders on suggestive
“Have a seed-spitting contest;” and
“Wander through old cemeteries together.”
Trojan’s stock presumably plummeted several
points on the release of these ideas, which,
when taken collectively, surely amount to a
Hoover Dam for abstinence, one that undoubtedly
will squelch the desires young men have to spoil
their fetching girlfriends’ white weddings.
Some of the suggestions for abstinence on this
list almost seem like they were planted by a
master scoundrel to actually promote sex. In
a “Happy Days” manner of thinking, these abstinence-minded
activities may give some kids a sporting chance
at staying out of the delivery room.
But mostly they are laughable.
That’s why I would encourage young men trying
to stay abstinent before marriage to hold true
to the ESPN 2 Rule. This universal law of dating
holds that: Going home alone with a large pizza
to watch Fresno State and Hawaii on ESPN 2 is
always the best way to end a Friday or Saturday
You’ll wake up alone, and more important, guilt-free
— unless you made the mistake of taking Hawaii
and the points.
Then again, the solution to unwanted pregnancies
may just work itself out without any advice
from straight-talk.com or me.
If the rate of obesity continues to climb, people
will be utterly disgusted at the sight of each
other and repulsed into celibacy.
Or they’ll just be so McFat that the mechanics
of intercourse will run afoul of the Laws of
Gravity — and common decency.
Unless New York’s mayor can get those giant
sodas out of people’s hands to free them up
for other things. CV
Douglas Burns is a fourth-generation Iowa
newspaperman who writes for The Carroll Daily
Times Herald and offers columns for Cityview.