You can’t make this stuff up.

When Jeff Lamberti was picked up for drunk driving on the freeway the other evening, the mixed drinks that he and his buddy allegedly were drinking were in a Super Bowl Cup.

And a United in Christ water bottle.

The passenger was Todd Christopher Whitman, who is 48 years old and who police say was “extremely intoxicated.” When they were pulled over, he called his mother to come rescue him.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Nor can you make up that — as The Des Moines Register reported — “on the front passenger floorboard I found a large bottle of Jack Daniels that was nearly empty inside a white cloth like bag. Also inside the bag was a piece of clothing and several condoms.”

The police report does not say what the piece of clothing was, though all of Iowa wants to know. Or what brand or type the condoms were, though some of Iowa wants to know. Glow in the dark? Flavored? Studded? Colored?

And it doesn’t help that Lamberti at first “denied that there was an open container of alcohol inside of his vehicle,” even though one was on the floor of the front seat.

Republican Lamberti, the former president of the Iowa Senate and the soon-to-be chairman of the state’s Racing and Gaming Commission, was a bit confused when he was pulled over. At first, he said he had had a couple of beers at an Iowa Cubs game. Then he said that in fact he and Whitman had been drinking at the Embassy Suites downtown and that he had had “four draws” of beer.

As he was about to take a sobriety test, Lamberti “stated he thought he was borderline.” Then he blew 0.176 on the drunk-driving gizmo. By state law, you’re drunk at 0.08 — less than half what Lamberti blew after those “four draws.” If you weigh 170 pounds, as the 49-year-old Lamberti did at the time of booking, it would take eight beers or eight one-ounce shots consumed in one hour to have a blood-alcohol level of 0.176, according to a drink-and-weight table from a law firm.

Oh, also: “Jeffrey had bloodshot watery eyes, slurred speech [and] smelled strongly of alcohol.”

As for Whitman, “he was extremely intoxicated and admitted that both open containers of alcohol were his and not Jeffrey’s. [Note: What are friends for? However, one container was in the driver’s cup holder. It’s unclear whether that was the Super Bowl Cup or the United in Christ water bottle.] The report continues:

“I ordered Todd out of the vehicle but he would not comply and said, ‘What for?’ I ordered him again to exit the vehicle as he looked at me in a drunken glare. I did not know if [he] was about to fight or attempt to run. Todd was handcuffed without incident. His mom arrived on scene shortly thereafter to give him a ride home. I advised Todd’s mom that he too was now going to jail.”

Lamberti was charged with driving while intoxicated, failure to maintain lanes while driving, and texting while driving. Whitman was charged with interference with an officer and with having an open container in a car.

Once in jail, Lamberti was tested again for alcohol. This time, about an hour after his arrest, he blew 0.170. He then made a telephone call. “During that call, Jeff made several statements,” the police report says. “Jeff stated that he had a couple too many, and that he had made a mistake. Jeff stated that he had fucked up, that he deserved this, again that he fucked up and to just tell the family and friends the truth, that he was fine and he was where he belonged.”

Finally, the police asked Lamberti some more questions. “Jeff again admitted to drinking, but this time stated he had six beers. Jeff was turned back over to jailers.” ...

In other Republican news:

The Iowa Republican, a blog, printed a draft of the new GOP platform proposed for adoption at the state convention next month. The blog notes that the proposed platform has 27 sections and 400 planks, up markedly from the 14 sections and 367 planks of the current platform.

Some planks:

GOVERNMENT. “We support the elimination of the departments of Agriculture, Education, Homeland Security, Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services, Energy, Interior, Labor and Commerce as well as TSA, FDA, ATF, EPA, National Endowment for the Arts, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.”

HEALTH CARE. “We believe that health care is a privilege, not a right.”

TAXES. “We support the abolition of the IRS. We demand the 16th Amendment be repealed. [That’s the amendment that authorized the income tax.] ...We call for an end to the State of Iowa income tax....We believe that state and federal long-term capital gains taxes should be abolished....We support the permanent elimination of the estate, gift, and inheritance taxes....We support legislation eliminating both the School Infrastructure Local Option (SILO) and the Local Option Sales Tax.”

SOCIAL SECURITY. “We demand that participation in the Social Security system be optional until it is eliminated, and that every citizen has the right to opt out and be responsible for their (sic) own retirement.”

FOREIGN POLICY. “We support the elimination of foreign aid....The U.S. should drop out of the United Nations and eliminate UN funding.

FARMING. “We call for the end of all federal subsidies in agriculture, including ethanol....We support laws that prohibit foreign corporate and foreign country ownership of Iowa farm land.”

GUNS. “We believe public university, college and school buildings should not restrict possession of firearms by those legally possessing a concealed carry permit, as this endangers our students. More generally, we believe in eliminating restrictions on where a law-abiding, properly licensed, concealed-carry permit holder may carry their (sic) weapon.”

MARRIAGE. “We support federal and state constitutional amendments, voted on by the citizens, which define marriage as only between one natural man and one natural woman.” The platform does not define “natural man” or “natural woman.” “We oppose civil unions and the legalization of ‘same-sex marriage’ in Iowa.”

DIVORCE. “We believe no-fault divorce laws should be revised and believe there should be good cause to get a divorce.”

ABORTION. “We support a personhood amendment to the US Constitution that states, ‘Personhood and life begins (sic) at Conception’ and that no person shall be deprived of life, liberty and property...without due Process of Law and shall hold all officials accountable to enforce it....We oppose the use of public revenues for abortion, and call for elimination of government funding for all organizations, such as Planned Parenthood, which advocate or support abortion....We support a ban on RU-486 (morning-after pill) and all abortion-inducing drugs....We support adoption and aid to unwed mothers during pregnancy. All funding must come from the private sector.”

COURTS. “We call on citizens concerned with the cultural heritage of our state and nation to vote ‘NO’ on retention of each of the four remaining Supreme Court Justices who voted against Iowa’s Marriage Law.”

TRAFFIC. “We demand the use of cameras or other unmanned devices for traffic enforcement, such as ‘red light’ and ‘speed trap’ cameras, be abolished....We believe that mandatory helmet use is an infringement on our freedom of choice....”

LABOR. “We believe the market, not the government, should set the ‘minimum wage.’...We believe that public employee unions are improper due to potential conflict of interest.”

PUBLIC RADIO AND TELEVISION: “We oppose federal funding for all media outlets.”

REPUBLICANS. “The Republican Party affirms that it will only endorse and provide financial support for candidates who agree to vote for legislation in substantial alignment with the party platform.”

Platforms, of course, are written by committees that don’t reflect the mainstream of a party, and they are widely ignored. It’s a safe bet, for instance, that the party isn’t going to withhold the endorsement of Terry Branstad for re-election (yeah, he’ll run again) even if he won’t agree that Iowa should abandon its income tax or even if he doesn’t think the federal government should close down nine Cabinet departments. Still, they’re useful tools for the opposition — “Tell me, Senator Grassley, do you believe that health care if a privilege and not a right? Do you believe the U.S. should eliminate all foreign aid?” — but neither party seems to pay much attention to the other party’s planks.

Oh, one other thing: Again this year, the Republican platform flatly and unequivocally states: “We support the definition of manure as a natural fertilizer.”

Of course. CV