From Pabst Blue Ribbon to iPhones to vinyl records — the ugly truth behind hipster trends revealed

By Sean Cirone

Before you reach for that PBR, consider that Pabst was hammered for its anti-union practices and its history of withholding benefits to its retired workers.

For anybody who is blissfully unaware of what a hipster is, the recipe is simple. First, envision someone mixing a hippie with a liberal arts major. Next, add in a pile of self loathing and snobbery. Finally, throw in a large amount of condescending projectile hatred, add hummus and serve up fresh.

Thankfully, there are several ways to factually screw with these people that, in the end, will leave you the victor and them a pitiful pile of steaming hemp. Simply stated, you get to destroy the very mental foundations these people have built for themselves. Sure, it might sound like a dick move, but don’t forget, these are the same folks who once made you feel like you spent an unholy week violating toddlers because you drank out of a Styrofoam cup... on accident.

Records spin, but vinyl doesn’t make the world go round

Hipsters love vinyl. I’m not talking about the floor mats. No, I’m talking records. They live and die by this crap. Well here are a few facts about vinyl itself that will cause them to shed bloody tears into their henna-stained hands.

Sound it out: “Polyvinyl chloride,” it’s the stuff records are made of. Contrary to popular belief, six-nippled unicorns don’t poop 45s. Polyvinyl chloride is one of the most environmentally unfriendly substances ever created. This stuff is essentially to Earth and the ozone what kryptonite is to Superman. Each time you buy a vinyl record you’re basically curb-stomping planet Earth. Even Greenpeace has vowed to try ridding the world of this substance. That’s Greenpeace, bitch. You’re screwing with Greenpeace!

Also it contains phthalates, which mimic human hormones and affect various forms of life. So while you’re sitting there enjoying your record collection and acting like the unsuccessful reincarnation of Buddy Holly while savoring a Pabst in the can, in reality you’re actually contributing to the death of millions of innocent amphibians and fish. Nice going; you just found Nemo and shot him with a face full of asbestos.

Guess it’s time to tear down that Sierra Club calendar. I hope your shitty music collection is worth kicking Mother Earth in the uterus.

Stranger than Devo

And what a shitty music collection it is. Hipsters seem to always own the most obscure music. If you’re in the mood for The Woodland Creatures of Beirut Chanting Buddhist Hymns on a canoe or King Diamond singing Christmas carols, I guarantee they will more than likely have it.

For some reason, the bands Steely Dan, The Velvet Underground and The Loving Spoonfuls always seem to find their way into hipster collections — great bands mind you, but if one digs deeper into their roots, one might be surprised to find theirreal meanings are on par with sex, horror or a nice little incestuous hybrid of both.

In coffee-producing Kenya, workers are paid approximately 40 U.S. dollars per month, according to studies from Immaculata High School.

For example, the band Steely Dan got its name by ripping off a phrase from a William Burroughs novel, “Naked Lunch.” The meaning? Steel Dildo. Yes, this band’s name was influenced by a metal orifice plugger. Not the most romantic record if you think about it.

Next up, The Velvet Underground. According to TrashFiction.com, this group took its label straight off of a book of sadomasochism by Michael Leigh. If that’s not creepy enough, in 1995 they released a box set simply called “Peel Slowly and See.” That sounds either like a pornographic banana or a tip straight out of “Serial Killers for Dummies.”

Not to be outdone, The Loving Spoonfuls went one disgusting step further. According to AmIRight.com, what started out as an inside joke between the band and friends was soon to be revealed that a spoonful is actually the average amount a typical healthy male ejaculates. Get it? Another fine, fine selection. I’m surprised they didn’t go with a cover to that popular Mary Poppins song “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.” I would have loved to see that pop up video. “Come on Ms. Poppins, show us your gag reflex.”

My coffee has tears in it

The typical hipster arsenal seems to always come with these three items: iPod, a derby of some kind and a highly decaffeinated beverage from Starbucks. Without these they would be about as cutting edge as the dude who cleans my car.

The next time your friends walk in with a triple mocha three shot espresso topped off with whipped cream, feel free to mention to them (while roostering out your chest) that with every delicious sip they take they’re destroying the lives of some Latin American or Africanchild. Nothing yells breakfast like a side of oppression.

Hipsters love their vinyl, but they may want to research polyvinyl chloride, the environmentally unfriendly stuff records are made of.

In Kenya, which is known for producing coffee, sugar cane and extremely fast runners (which is probably utilized to outrun their shitty working conditions), the workers are paid approximately 40 U.S. dollars a month. Yep, that’s about $10 a week, according to study findings released by Immaculata High School (IHS), which specializes in Child Slave Labor awareness and education. (Years ago, I was on a paper route, and I made $20 week.)

IHS reports that it takes the average African worker 2.2 hours of back-breaking physical labor to produce one pound of coffee for “the blue eyed devil” hipsters in the states. In their off-time, the workers spend countless hours fighting off malaria, influenza, pneumonia and other really fun diseases brought on by the lack of clean drinking water.

To date, America buys and consumes more coffee beans than any other nation in the world. The ingredients in the tall lattes we take for granted every morning were more than likely processed by child workers. In Latin America, it’s not surprising to find children who have been put to work in harsh weather, subjected to long hours and beaten for shortcomings by their employers. Parents in this region have been known to sell their children into this form of labor due to their own poverty.

Now, if that’s not enough of a shit sandwich to swallow, don’t forget that the children often start work at such an early age they usually never finish school. This happy circle often leads to a life of continuously filling orders for the American consumer. But, hey, isn’t that mocha tasty? Look, I have a milk mustache.

Vegans are going to die first

More and more every day, a hipster turns vegetarian. Try to question this lifestyle choice and don’t be surprised to be verbally shot down with an onslaught of veggie benefits. They will mention that vegetarians are known to have more energy, they will claim their colons are clean enough to eat a meal out of, and they will reference the fact that a large number of celebrities has taken to this lifestyle. In some cases, they’ll mention how Pamela Anderson went meat-free years ago. (They apparently didn’t see her and Tommy’s video).

Vegetables are good for you, no doubt, but meat is necessary in a healthy diet, too. According to the Mayo Clinic, (you know, that place known for curing diseases and treating the ill but named after the most unhealthy condiment ever invented) some vegetarians suffer from vitamin-B and protein deficiencies. Let me explain.

Years and years of meat eating has caused our bodies to adapt, and that’s a main reason we crave meat. As primitive people, we hunted the plains for dinner, and a buffalo was usually more accessible then a roaming piece of tofu. Now, to compensate for this loss, vegetarians must supplement B vitamins, calcium and iron that fortify foods, with things like protein bars/powders, soy or rice milk — which is also why cereals and other foods taste like stale cardboard cut into the shape of ass.

Even a slight decline in protein intake can take a toll, says Mayo Clinic experts. Due to their diet, some vegetarians have come to experience memory loss, fatigue, moodiness due to blood sugar highs and lows, lack of motivation and poor work performance. Women are even worse off when it comes to thisphenomenon, because when menstruating they lose iron, which must be replaced. So they are at more of a risk of developing osteoporosis, which, in turn, could lead to brittle bones and commercials with Sally Field.

According to MC, even vegetarian substitutions are at times dangerous. Margarine has been known to contain processed hydrogenated fats and additives which, just by the name, you know is some bad shit. Soy, on the other hand, in large quantities can create hormone imbalances in both sexes. And the soy protein, seitan — as well as other fake meats — is difficult for most people to digest because of the additives and the degree of processing they must undergo. So, while you might be saving a cow, you could also be turning your body into a bad science experiment.

It’s a fact that without enough protein, food will not fill you up. This leaves you hungry, weak and in search of carbs that often will result in carbohydrate addiction, which causes the body to start craving breads, cereals, desserts and other fattening foods to compensate for the loss of protein. So, while you might be meat-free and thinking you are going to lose weight, chances are you’re still going to look just like the rest of us.

The real angry birds

Who among us doesn’t love iPhones? I love mine. Just owning one brings your status up a notch. So it sucks when you find out that the people manufacturing them are chucking themselves off of high-rise rooftops in order to escape the conditions they face manufacturingthese Palm Pilot hybrids. Oh, look, Angry Birds. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Meet Foxconn, a manufacturing plant located deep in the middle of Shenzhen, China. This location, alone, employees upwards of a half-million people, according to Wired magazine. Most motherboards, camera components, MP3 players and the iPhone are made in this factory. Now apparently it’s not the most fun place to work, based on the various workers committing in-flight Hara-Kiris off the roof of the factory. And you thought it was bad having no vending machines where you work.

Before you decide to throw Foxconn a resume, you should know a little bit about the factory itself. First, the living quarters are about the size of the typical two-car garage and hold up to eight workers at one time. This will be your new home — try getting laid in this oasis.

Then, after clocking in, you will be required to either sit or stand the whole shift which can last 10 fun-filled hours or more. When the iPad premiered, workers were forced to work 13 days straight for 12 hours a day. You make me do that, and I wouldn’t have any reservations about going flight of the concords either. Once you’re employed in this delightful environment, you will be forced to meet unrealistic quotas. And if that’s not enough to sell you, remember that the whole factory is located inside a gated complex that resembles Pelican Bay.

In a PR move, Foxconn did what any reliable company would do when faced with legions of workers skull planting themselves off of their roofs. They installed safety nets in an attempt to catch falling workers (and perhaps to retain their work staff). So now, instead of leaping to their deaths, workers are expected to find more innovative ways (such as going on a rampage, killing their bosses and dying in a hail of police fire) to take themselves out.

Pabst tastes like tears

As mentioned before, Hipsters love their beverages, and nothing goes better with a shitty pair of Buddy Holly glasses than an ice-cold Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. A hipster at the pub without a Pabst in hand is like an Elvis impersonator with low blood pressure.

This beer is delicious, it’s American made, the can is wrapped in patriotic colors and, best of all, it’s known by its employees for its harsh anti-union practices and history of withholding benefits to its retired workers. Drink up, dick.

Originally from Milwaukee, Wis., Pabst decided, after a long history of good relations with its workers and goodwill among all, to kick that costly plan to the curb and screw the people who made it grand. According to the L.A. Times, when S&P of Mil Valley, a California-based real estate company, purchased PBR in 1985, they decided to stir up the hop. In an effort to endear themselves to their loyal people, they removed all the health and death benefits from their retired workers. The plan worked, but endearing themselves to the workers? Not so much.

This move from a company that has been in the area since 1870 — and was considered family by most residents — surprised everyone (especially Laverne and Shirley) with this really cold revelation. The New York Times reports S&P owners remarking that this would save the plant $3.5 million a year. What they failed to mention is that it would — and did — force many former workers to now depend on their Social Security checks for any and all upcoming health and death costs. Even Labor Secretary Rob Reich proclaimed, “The company acted illegally.”

People of Milwaukee who were once proud of Pabst started boycotting the company altogether. Some started sporting one of the thousands of mass-marketed shirts that said “Shame on Pabst,” while others simply came to the realization that the beer itself tastes like vagrant piss anyway.

So the next time you see one of your hipster friends enjoying a Pabst, you may casually ask them how good fascism tastes. CV

INFO ON the AUTHOR

Sean Cirone lives in Madison, Wis., and travels across the country performing stand-up comedy for shitty venues while living off condiments found under the seat of his car. He does this while using his iPad, drinking road frappachinos and listening to Steely Dan all while denying that he too loves being hip. Feel free to add him at comedianseancirone@facebook.com, email him at seancironestandupcomic@gmail.com or tweet at comicSeanCirone.

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