By Dean Robbins

We all scream over ‘Stephen King’s Bag of Bones’

The miniseries “Stephen King’s Bag of Bones” (Sunday, 8 p.m., A&E) wastes no time scaring you to death. With horror movies, I can usually keep my wits about me at least through the credit sequence, but not this time, thanks to merciless music, editing and imagery. Pierce Brosnan plays Michael, a bestselling author who loses his wife in an accident — though “lose” is overstating it.

Since he’s apparently never seen a Stephen King adaptation before, Michael makes the crazy decision to write his next novel on the lonely Maine estate where his wife had spent time doing mysterious things.

I applaud the effectiveness of “Bag of Bones” while regretting that I’ll have to sleep with the lights on for the next few weeks.

‘Storage Wars: Texas’

Tuesday, 9:30 p.m. (A&E)

This new series offers all the — ahem — excitement of “Storage Wars,” but now with Texas accents! It comes on all badass in the title sequence as we meet bargain-hunters nicknamed the Rangers, the Boss and the Outsider. If you’re wondering how the concepts of “bad-ass” and “bargain-hunters” go together — well, they really don’t.

The would-be players show up at Texas storage units to bid on their contents, hoping to make a few more bucks than they spend by selling the junk to collectors. For example, one of the “Rangers” waddles up to a storage unit in shorts, black socks, glasses and a baseball cap, his shirt hanging over his enormous belly. He spots action figures and a copy of “Lord of the Rings” among the former owners’ garbage.

“These guys were card-carrying nerds!” he cackles.

Look who’s talking. CV