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Guest Commentary

August 11, 2011

The Marriage Vow

By Greg Cunningham

Editor's note: This is the original document, called "The Marriage Vow - A Declaration of Dependence Upon Marriage and Family" was drafted by Bob Vander Plaats and his organization, The Family Leader, a self-proclaimed "pro-family group." It was presented at a press conference at the Iowa state capitol building on July 7 and asks each of the 2012 presidential candidates for a pledge. Below is Greg Cunningham's "amended" take on the Vander Plaats/The Family Leader vow.

Bob Vander Plaats' Original Candidate Vow:

Therefore, in any elected or appointed capacity by which I may have the honor of serving our fellow citizens in these United States I, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly vow* to honor and to cherish, to defend and to uphold, the Institution of Marriage as only between one man and one woman. I vow* to do so through my:

• Personal fidelity to my spouse.

• Respect for the marital bonds of others.

• Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution, supporting the elevation of none but faithful constitutionalists as judges or justices.

• Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage – faithful monogamy between one man and one woman – through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc.

• Recognition of the overwhelming statistical evidence that married people enjoy better health, better sex, longer lives, greater financial stability, and that children raised by a mother and a father together experience better learning, less addiction, less legal trouble, and less extramarital pregnancy.

• Support for prompt reform of uneconomic, anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy, and marital/divorce law, and extended "second chance" or "cooling-off" periods for those seeking a "quickie divorce."

• Earnest, bona fide legal advocacy for the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) at the federal and state levels.

• Steadfast embrace of a federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which protects the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman in all of the United States.

• Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children –from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity, and all forms of pornography and prostitution,  infanticide, abortion and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.

• Support for the enactment of safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. Military and National Guard personnel, especially our combat troops, from inappropriate same-gender or opposite-gender sexual harassment, adultery or intrusively intimate commingling among attracteds (restrooms, showers, barracks, tents, etc.); plus prompt termination of military policymakers who would expose American wives and daughters to rape or sexual harassment, torture, enslavement or sexual leveraging by the enemy in forward combat roles.

• Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control.

• Recognition that robust childbearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.

• Commitment to downsizing government and the enormous burden upon American families of the USA's $14.3 trillion public debt, its $77 trillion in unfunded liabilities, its $1.5 trillion federal deficit, and its $3.5 trillion federal budget.

• Fierce defense of the First Amendment's rights of Religious Liberty and Freedom of Speech, especially against the intolerance of any who would undermine law-abiding American citizens and institutions of faith and conscience for their adherence to, and defense of, faithful heterosexual monogamy.

The Vow of Civic, Religious, Lay, Business, and Social Leaders:

We the undersigned do hereby solemnly vow* that no U.S. Presidential primary candidate – nor any primary candidate for the U. S. House, Senate, Governor, state or municipal office – will, in his or her public capacity, benefit from any substantial form of aid, support, endorsement, contribution, independent expenditure, or affirmation from any of us without first affirming this Marriage Vow. Furthermore, to uphold and advance the natural Institution of Marriage, we ourselves also hereby vow* our own fidelity to this Declaration and especially, to our spouses.

So help us God

A Slightly Revised and More Appropriate Candidate Vow:

Therefore, in any elected, appointed, or self-appointed capacity, including God-told-me-to, by which I have the honor of serving a pre-selected set of like-minded, fearful, possibly closeted, Red State citizens, I, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly vow (never swear, which is near-blasphemy like fag is to cigarette or mulatto is to white) with my blood-libel to honor and to cherish, to defend by any means necessary (up with white people!) and to hold-up , shoot-down or bring fire and brimstone the Institution of The Roman Catholic Church to its pre-1867 boarders when minorities knew their place and The Bible defined marriage as between one man and up to eight women (it's true!, look it up), I vow to do so through my:

• Personal Fidelity off-shore GOP/Vatican Stock Fund account.

• Respect for the marital bounds of others…wait, what?

• Official fidelity to the fact that most people who support this pledge could never have actually read The U.S. Constitution, but still elevating none but faithful constitutionalists as Salem judges or justices.

• Vigorous opposition to any education on the definition of marriage as one-man one woman-which is actually the definition of monogamy, not marriage.

• Recognition of the overwhelming unreliability of statistical evidence in any poll and the mind-blowing misinformation unleashed to the general public (see Saddam Hussein and 9-11). Instead, take your own poll with a married couple separately, because, let's face it, whose going to answer questions honestly about sex, money and stress with their spouse looking over their shoulder?

• I vow to not think too hard when arguing for smaller government while supporting this pledge for prompt reform of welfare policy, tax policy and marital and divorce law, while extending "second chance" or "cooling-off" periods for those who are seeking a "quickie divorce." What the heck, let's just make divorce an abomination like God intended.

• Earnest, bonfire and brimstone legal guilt-laden advocacy for the return to the submissive female and the dominant male like in "Mad Men" or that bondage movie "Secretary" with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal who begged to get slapped, spanked and tied-up which was really something until that scene when she peed herself-as defined in the Defense of Marriage Act (HAMAS) at the federal, state and pre-women's suffrage levels.

• Steadfast embrace of an historical first in our U.S. Constitution's history whereby an amendment denying the individual rights of a minority group of U.S. citizens to become our nation's law.

• Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy, whatever that means it sounds hot!-our next generation of American children (okay, now I'm ashamed) from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity, and all forms of pornography and prostitution, infanticide, abortion and other types of coercion or stolen innocence. We're coming for you, Levi!

• Support for the enactment of safeguards (including rail, point and sneeze) for all married and unmarried (you already said all!) U.S. Military and National Guard personnel ( F-the Coast Guard?), especially our combat troops (the green M&M's insurance policy for any propaganda campaign) from any inappropriate same-gender (man-on-man, ew! or woman-on woman, nice!) opposite gender (yes our attorneys get paid by word-count) harassment, adultery, or intrusively intimate comingling (missionary, sixty-nine, dirty-Sanchez) among attrecteds (OK, that's not even a word — that red, squiggly line came up on my spell-check) — restrooms, showers, barracks, tents, private viewing booths that some douche cut a glory-hole into, etc.; plus prompt termination (make knife-slitting-throat hand gesture) of military policymakers who would expose Americans wives and daughters to rape or sexual harassment, torture (water-boarding still optional), enslavement or sexual leveraging (sex-swing?) by the enemy (atheists, agnostics and people at concerts who whistle loudly between their fingers) in forward combat roles.

• Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control. (Please attach companion Pledge to never ever, ever, Google "Catholic Church anti-woman anti-human forms of totalitarian control").

• Recognition that only a chauvinistic blowhard could draft a pledge that links the word robust with childbearing along with their demographic and actuarial benefits. Ladies — he's single!

• Commitment to downsizing our government so it could be drowned in a tub.

• Fierce defense (i.e. offense) of the First Amendment rights of Religious Liberty and Freedom of Speech, as a one-way-only right of Christian religious tolerance, but not for others.

The Pow! Going To the Moon, Alice! of Civic, Religious, Lay, Business, and Social Leaders:

We, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly vow that no U.S. Presidential primary candidate-nor any primary candidate for the U.S. House, Senate, Governor, state or municipal office, Brown Shirt, Black Hand, Stasis or member of the Spanish Inquisition-will, in his or her public capacity, benefit from any substantial aids (the financial kind, not God's wrath) of any kind, support, endorsement, contribution, independent expenditure, or affirmation from any of us without first affirming this Marriage Reich. Furthermore, to uphold and advance the natural, (mankind-natural, not the remaining 80 percent of the natural animal world that survived somehow without inventing marriage) Institution of Forced Obedience, we ourselves also hereby vow our own fidelity to the alter and/or volcano, to this newer and younger Declaration Pledge, a mistress, if you will, to that other ball-and-chain Declaration at the Smithsonian.

— I'm God and I approved of this message.

Signatories: Name: Candidacy or Title/Affiliation: Date (chaperoned and home by 10. Sharp! We'll be up.):

End Of Times Notes and Sources:

The Bible

The Prince-Machiavelli

"A good man is no better than a sinner, a man who takes an oath is no better off than one who does not" (Ecclesiastes 9:2)

"How can anyone straighten out what God has made crooked?" (Ecclesiastes 7:11)

"Stupid people express their anger openly, but sensible people are patient and hold back" (Proverbs 29:11)

"A country is fortunate to have a king who makes his own decisions" (Ecclesiastes 10:17)

"I realized that you could stay awake night and day and never be able to understand what God is doing. However hard you try, you will never find out. Wise men may claim to know, but they don't" (Ecclesiastes 8:17)

World English Dictionary

bigot (bigot) — n: a person who is intolerant of any idea, creed or belief other than his or her own, esp. on religion, politics, or race.

*Note (Herein, signatory, clause, aforementioned, affiliation, hitherto, referred to as-Hey, c'mon. That's just another billable hour).



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