on the tube

May 26, 2011 |
By Dean Robbins


Would-be composers can't carry a tune in 'Platinum Hit'


Have you ever wondered why most pop music sounds so bad, given all the talented musicians to choose from and all the money that goes into each song? "Platinum Hit" offers a clue (Monday, 9 p.m., Bravo). In this reality competition, Jewel, Kara DioGuardi and other music-industry bigwigs put a dozen composer-performers through a series of tests to identify the next big hitmaker. From the get-go, the personalities are toxic, just as you imagine they are throughout the business.

"I am a musical genius," proclaims a mohawked guy named Nick, proving it by writing his first song in five seconds.

" I loved the metaphors," says a tone-deaf executive from Jive Records, making you wonder if the entire music industry has completely lost touch with RE-A-LI-TY.

" Platinum Hit" sets out to discover greatness and fails. But it unintentionally discovers music so lame that you can't help being fascinated by it. In other words, I already have the DVR set for the next episode.


'Revolver Golden Gods Awards'

Saturday, 9 p.m. (VH1 Classic)


While most pop music celebrates romance and good times, heavy-metal acts regale listeners with songs about torture, demons, nightmares and hell. This show honors stringy beards, dark makeup and excessive tattoos.

Performances of "Children of the Grave" and "Executioner's Song" will be all in good fun, and if you doubt that these black-hearted ghouls are winking at us, behold the Honorary Headbanger award presented to William Shatner.

If this is what hell is like, I'm not as scared of it as I used to be. CV