Learn how to over-hype a storm
Since the storm season in Iowa has already begun, local news stations WHO, KCCI and WOI will hold a day-long session Saturday, April 2 on how to over-hype a weather emergency. Numerous seminars will take place during the day including "Using overly-descriptive adjectives to instill fear," "How to talk about the same subject for 50 minutes straight," and "The storm is 40 miles away and heading in the opposite direction, look out!" Along with the seminars, fans will also be able to view all of the TV shows they missed after the local affiliates cut them off, due to the so-called impending doom. For more information on dealing with a storm calmly, buy a weather radio.
A hose, a gas can and a mint
Are you tired of having to take out a loan to fill up your gas tank? Would you like to know the secret to cheaper gas? Well, local street gang, The Baseball Furies, has the answer. On Sunday, April 3, they will be teaching interested consumers the art of siphoning gas at Quick-Trip, located at the corner of Ingersoll Avenue and 15th Street. In less than 15 minutes, you'll learn that it only takes three simple tools (a hose, a gas can and a mint) to lower your gas prices. Admission is $10, and minors are encouraged to attend.
Death and foreclosure
The Coffin, 666 Nosferatu Lane, is closing its doors, but not before one final evil blowout. On Friday, April 1, the popular gothic bar will offer patrons cheap drink specials and a close-out sale of all the dark and evil memorabilia inside including black pint and shot glasses, numerous gargoyles/demonic statues and knick-knacks. Owner Azrael Abyss tried summoning the almighty Satan last week to help with the bar's financial woes, but he must have been busy. For more information, put on a Bauhaus album and play it backwards.
Duel like a gentleman
Is there a family member or neighbor you're sick of dealing with? Starting Wednesday, April 6, an old-fashioned gentleman's duel will take place at high noon in front of the state capitol. Admission is $100, and attendees must sign a waiver. Once approved, the two combatants will receive dueling pistols, before counting off 10 paces. Winners receive a longer life span and a T-shirt that says, "I killed someone in a duel, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt." APRIL FOOLS