By Douglas Burns
Vander Plaats' bill would mandate all straight Iowans marry
Former Republican gubernatorial candidate Bob Vander Plaats has proposed ground-breaking
legislation mandating that all Iowans between the ages of 17 and 70 enter into
- or provide certain documents to verify they're part of - a traditional, heterosexual
marriage in order to maintain state citizenship.
Vander Plaats, a Sioux City businessman, says the proposal should take effect
Jan. 1, 2014. Anyone living inside the state's borders who remains single
or pursues what Vander Plaats termed "non-Biblical, sexually expedient" relationships
still could reside in Iowa but would be barred from voting in state and local
elections and would have to pay out-of-state tuition to the Regents institutions.
"
Traditional marriage is at the foundation of the American experience, and
for that matter, of any civilized society," Vander Plaats said.
Buoyed by his success in leading the ouster last November of Iowa Supreme
Court justices who support gay marriage, an emboldened Vander Plaats opted
to attack the "single lifestyle," which he clearly believes is
a crack in the door to experimental homosexuality if not an outright commitment
to it.
Vander Plaats also expressed concern that women, particularly younger ones,
would stray from Christian-based living if they are not in a committed marriage
before they enter college where "a toxic mixture of sex and beer and
Internet-fed urges" confounds efforts at family building.
"
The man is clearly the leader of the family organization," Vander Plaats
said. "A lot of women conveniently forget this, but it's in the Bible.
We are the shot-callers. Got a problem with that? Take it up with Jesus,
not me."
As part of the legislative package, known broadly as the Iowa Marriage Initiative,
Vander Plaats would seek to yank funding from Planned Parenthood and finance
so-called "marriage consortiums." With the consortiums, those Iowans
who are not married could attend monthly state-sponsored "marriage rallies" in
which men and women would line up - white robes for the men; white, ankle-length
dresses for the women - and march toward an altar and join in unions with
whomever was in the corresponding space in the line across from them.
Vander Plaats defended the random assigning of spouses for the unmarried
under his program as a "cultural emergency management system" necessary
to overcome a decades-long degradation of marriage.
In these old-school, mass marriages - known as the "Emporia System" in
reference to a religious cult that operated in the 1980s in the Kansas city
of the same name - Republicans, and particularly those who donated heavily
to GOP campaigns, would be discreetly shuffled in the lines to ensure they
were matched with hotter wives.
"
Look, we're going to make sure the Republican men get younger, hotter wives," said
one Vander Plaats associate. "As for single, Democratic men, well, sorry
to laugh here, but these guys better be into thick ankles and scarecrow faces
with their chicks. When we do this, Democrats will be less likely to reproduce,
and that means fewer white Democrats at the polls in 20 years - which we
have to do to counterbalance all the Hispanic growth."
Divorces under the Vander Plaats' marriage structure would be "safe,
legal and rare," said the Republican, borrowing, ironically, the language
of equivocation used by President Bill Clinton in staking out a pro-choice
position on abortion during his administration in the 1990s.
A three-person Iowa Divorce Council, appointed by the governor but with required
approval of the State Senate, would review all requests for dissolutions
of marriage.
Domestic abuse prevention advocates immediately took issue with that element
of the plan, saying women could be shackled in abusive marriages under the
new regime.
"
Look, I'm not saying some men don't take their family leadership roles too
far," Vander Plaats said. "But this a greater good project here.
Regrettable incidents are going to occur. But divorce is never the answer.
Women should really try to just walk it off."
Sources say Vander Plaats was unsuccessful in inserting a provision into
the proposed new Iowa marriage rules that would make infidelity a Class C
felony.
"
OK, to be honest, we really wanted this fidelity charge in the bill," said
a source close to the Vander Plaats team. "But if we start requiring
fidelity in marriage, the Republican Party simply won't be able to field
any presidential candidates. That's just the reality on the ground in Republican
politics today."
APRIL FOOLS
Douglas Burns, the biological son of an unwed teen mother, was adopted as a baby in Cedar Rapids. Burns, now a co-owner of the Carroll Daily Times Herald, is the author of the upcoming book "Bastards: Who Needs Families. How Unwanted Children Shaped The World."
