Compiled by Jared Curtis jared@dmcityview.com
On the clock
Des Moines Police
March 11-33
March 11, 1 a.m.
Robbery in the 3200 block of John Lynde Road. The victim stated she was walking to McDonalds to get a Shamrock Shake when a tall white guy jumped her from behind and pushed her to the ground. The suspect was said to be wearing a Des Moines Dribblers jersey, knee-high white socks and palming a basketball. The suspect kicked the victim in the stomach and took $3 in change. The victim stated that the suspect looked like either the 7’8” Russian basketball player Vladislav Koksenbolz, who was last seen in April of 2008, or Jason Hancock of the Iowa Independent. Officers were unable to locate the suspect.
March 22, 9:53 p.m.
Assault in the 5600 block of Battleboro Avenue. Upon arrival, officers met with the victim, who stated he was hosting a local karaoke competition when a performer hit him in the face with a beer bottle. The victim stated he accidentally played “My Girl” instead of “When a Man Loves a Woman,” when the suspect, allegedly drunk, became so infuriated he smacked him in the face causing redness and swelling. The suspect jumped off stage and exited left out the doors in an unknown direction. Officers were unable to locate the suspect.
March 33, 9:53 p.m.
Assault in the 1700 block of Fleur Drive. Upon arrival at Gray’s Lake, officers met with the victim, who stated she was walking around the path when she noticed something following her that appeared to be part man, part ape. The victim stated that she was aware that apes were working more in various roles in the society, but that this was no ordinary monkey. She felt this creature was the famed Namaycush, which was last reported seen in April of 2007 in the vicinity. The victim stated she was attacked by the creature, which then left quickly, wearing shoes and standing erect. Large prints were observed in the mud similar to those found in 2007. Officers were unable to locate the alleged creature. CV
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Busted
Name:Keith Adams Spangler
The story: Upon arrival, officers met the victim who stated that she and her boyfriend were celebrating their one-year anniversary with a night out. After an evening of boozing, the suspect, later identified as Spangler, became agitated that his girlfriend wouldn’t wear the type of lingerie he wanted. In a bit of a tantrum, Spangler downed some more Bud Ice and cornered her against the wall with a wooden spoon. The victim stated she was paddled approximately 40 times on the buttocks, which left red marks and a rash. When officers confronted Spangler, he resisted and hit officers with the wooden spoon. As Spangler was being taken into custody, he stated, “It takes a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.” Spangler was charged with domestic abuse and assault on a police officer.
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Most Wanted
Name: Hamburglar
Age: 43
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 145 lbs.
Hair: Red
Eyes: Black
Wanted for: Theft of hamburgers. Hamburglar is known to dress in a black-and-white striped shirt and pants and wear red gloves He is also known to mutter, “Burger, Burger, Burger” while stealing hamburgers from small children.
If you have any information on this fugitive’s whereabouts, call Ronald McDonald at (476) 972-6823. Rewards up to three Big Macs for tips that lead to the arrest of this character.
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By the numbers:
4
Number of news reporters attacked in the past week at Evelyn Davis Park.
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