The good
Don’t pull those pop machines out of the schools yet, Pepsi. The National Association of Physical Education Teachers is up in arms over the soft drink company’s decision to replace their sugar-loaded beverages with healthier options. Why the fuss? “These little shits used to come to class all sugared up,” said Bradley Bufton, P.E. instructor at Hamburg High School. “I would throw a ball out on the gym floor and they flock to it like a bunch of hyenas on a fresh kill, giving me time to check out porn online. Now I have to actually work.” The national organization threatens to place their own machines in locker rooms and gyms. “Whatever it takes,” said Bufton. “I will be damned if I let a pop company wreck this gravy train.”
Jamaican sprinter and three-time Olympic gold medalist Usain Bolt confirmed that he will run at the 2010 Drake Relays, with one stipulation — the track must be painted another color before he will set foot on it. “I refuse to run on blue,” said Bolt. “If Drake want me, then track must be golden to match my medals.” Not wanting to miss the opportunity, Drake officials caved to the request and have purchased 2,841 gallons of gold paint and 2,842 gallons of blue paint to return the track to its original state following the race. “It’s a small price to pay to get Bolt here,” said Alfred Thomason III, track maintenance and décor specialist. “Plus, gold is kinda pretty.”
The bad
It’s not all fun and games at the University of Northern Iowa. The school’s newspaper pissed off UNI’s World of Warcraft (W.O.W.) team as it opted to cover the NCAA tournament instead of its next meeting at a nearby computer gaming center. The W.O.W. team cited the attendance leap from three people to five at the most recent meeting as a need for the coverage. Tommy Mitchell, W.O.W. captain, admitted that while he was playing for 45 consecutive hours starting at 5 a.m. Saturday morning, he knew nothing of a basketball game or that an NCAA tournament existed.
The Hawks have a new men’s basketball coach, and his name is Fran something. Or was it her? We don’t know, and you don’t either. In a year, it’s not going to make any difference anyway, as Athletic Director Gary Barta just cinched the noose around his own neck. The 4,000 or so Hawk fans who attended home games won’t put up with another Licklighter-like season. At his debut press conference, Fran said his first order of business is to bring in like-minded assistants including those with names like Pat something, Kelly something and Stacy something.
The ugly
There is such a thing as too much pussy. After two hours spent rounding up her cats, Jeanne Miller of Story County reported Thursday that one was still missing. Miller, known affectionately by neighbors as “that crazy cat lady at the edge of town,” considers all of her cats her brothers and sisters. According to Miller, “It’s either the black one with the white tail, or the white one with the black tail,” but admitted in a second interview that it took so long to round up her cats that one might not even be missing. Miller informed the public that she would offer $20 and a free kitten to anyone who brings back her missing feline.
Every rose does have a thorn. When perennial Iowa concert performer Bret Michaels played at the Clive Event Center recently, few knew of the crap that allegedly went on in the tour bus in the entertainment center’s parking lot. Miley Cyrus, who Michaels was going to bring on stage as a surprise for their duet “Nothing to Lose,” allegedly refused to leave the bus after pinching a loaf that backed up the rig’s plumbing so much that a professional was called in. “That girl can poop,” said Eddy Roberts of Golden Stool Plumbing. CV
APRIL FOOLS!
